A crazy little thing called love

It’s that time of year again, when candied hearts abound, men scramble to find the perfect flower arrangements, and women look forward to that uber-romantic night with their sweethearts. It is the one day of the year that lovers are basically required to set aside time to express their love for each other, and if they don’t, hell hath no fury like a woman’s (or, for that matter, some men’s) scorn. Single people may start to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders, feeling left out of the circle of love. Some might even go to the extent of being a proverbial Scrooge, citing lover’s remorse.

It’s hard, though, not to get wrapped up in all the fuzzy lovey-dovey stuff that day, for those who have mates and for singles who are ready to mingle. Though cliché, Valentine’s Day does have its merit. Many of us are so wrapped up in this fast-paced world, it is easy to get distracted and neglect our significant others. But Valentine’s Day is more than just a 24-hour period to shower our loved ones with cards, candy and chrysanthemums. (Roses and negligees are nice, too.) The day is a mere reflection of what we should be doing for each other year round or at least on a semi-regular basis. But the real question is, why does love make the world go round?

The pressure is on
Whether real or perceived, loneliness can get the better of us. No matter what our sexual orientation is, being loved and/or loving someone seems to be locked into our genetic code. Even in our country, which overly suppresses sexuality, yet, at the same time, is on sexual overdrive, sharing one’s life, not just the bed, with another seems to be a high priority. Just look at the selling points for popular dating services such as Match.com and eHarmony.com.

When it comes to sealing the deal — be it finding a date, a lover or a spouse — the pressure is on. With tens of millions of Americans subscribing to some form of cable television, one has to wonder about the power of suggestion.

On any given night, there is a wide assortment of shows based on dating, marriage and, even more specifically, the wedding day itself.

Throughout the year, dating reality shows bombard the entertainment lineup. A few include The Bachelor, where one guy is supposed to find the love of his life by choosing one out of about two dozen women; The Bachelorette, which was originally created as a spinoff of The Bachelor — same premise, but the bachelor’s second choice gets her own show; and The Millionaire Matchmaker, where typically neurotic millionaires try to find love through a world-renowned matchmaker — potential dates range from students to successful professionals, who aren’t supposed to be viewed as gold diggers. Those gone but not forgotten also include More to Love, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, Blind Date, Temptation Island, Flavor of Love and so forth and so on.

Then there are a number of reality shows that revolve around just the wedding day. Some of them include My Fair Wedding with David Tutera, where a very metropolitan man helps the future bride and groom by completely altering their wedding plans from disorganized and tacky to classy and even regal; Bridezillas, where, for some reason, brides bordering on being sociopaths agree to be documented in the weeks leading up to their wedding days; and Big Redneck Weddings — that one is pretty self explanatory. Others include Say Yes to the Dress, I Propose and Rock the Reception.

Of course, there are the shows that appease voyeurs who want a peek at married life. These include Married to Rock and Keeping up with the Kardashians, which are about as far from reality, compared to the average married couple’s life, as one can get. Sitcoms have had their fair share of shows based on marriage and family life, but the shows always end on a much sweeter note than most real life situations — but that is the idea, isn’t it? Even in the world of sitcoms, however, viewers are rooting for the two with the near-tangible sexual tension to fall in love, get married and have babies. Has anyone ever seen The Office? Case in point.

With so much of our television entertainment based on love and marriage, one has to wonder: Did we create the shows or are these shows creating us? Whatever the case may be, it certainly doesn’t alleviate the pressure to find “the one” and live happily ever after.

What won’t we do for love (or sex)?
Many moons ago, the owner of a thriving global sports event planning company once said the only reason he got into that business was because he wanted to take a girl to a concert but couldn’t afford the tickets. Instead, he bought four tickets and sold the other two to cover the cost of his and her tickets. And thus began a multimillion-dollar company and the acquisition of a black American Express card. (Apparently, only approximately 1,000 such cards exist in the world — the actual number is hard to verify.) In fact, it has been said that many men have pursued careers in show business to become rich and famous because the goods they started with weren’t getting them so far with the ladies.

Women, though, are just as fierce and tenacious in their battle to appeal to the opposite sex. While women aren’t typically known for starting up Fortune 500 companies to meet men, women, nevertheless, work just as hard, or harder, to get attention, making huge sacrifices to stay beautiful.

Like fine wines, men such as Sean Connery and Christopher Walken seem to get better with age, adding insult to injury for women who are not only trying to compete with female personas in the media who have gobs of money and time to stay young and beautiful, but are also trying to pursue their careers and raise families while attempting to stay fit and healthy. Try as they may, no amount of smoothing cream or number of miracle diets seems to stop the clock.

Fearing the worst, i.e., losing their confidence and sexual magnetism, many women, whether rich or poor, will go to great lengths to stop the aging process. From radical weight loss diets consisting of nothing more than grapefruit and water to Botox to tummy tucks and face-lifts, women want to maintain or improve their appeal. A 2007 YWCA report showed that women spent approximately $7 billion on cosmetics and approximately $5.2 billion on cosmetic surgical procedures the prior year.

While not all men and women mimic the stereotype, it is pretty obvious how important it is to be attractive and alluring. Those attracted to the same sex don’t have it any easier. No matter who is trying to attract whom, it all boils down to our own sense of self and how we handle loneliness. If there were a sure cure for the lonely bug or that inherent need to procreate, perhaps the world would be a much simpler place. But who would want that? After all, love is quite the indulgence — decadent, heart-stopping, exciting and worth every bit of anguish, in most cases.

How one little pill changed sexuality
(No, this isn’t about the little blue pill. While Viagra is important, it doesn’t compare to how the birth control pill revolutionized sex in America.)

Though built on Puritan ideals, America apparently has had a hard time burying its sexual desire. While abstinence until marriage and then sex only for procreation purposes seemed like the perfect utopian (and overly simplistic) lifestyle, history has proven, over and over, that what is suppressed will eventually overflow somewhere else. And so free love, in and of itself, was inevitable.

It is important to note, however, that irresponsible, uninhibited sexual experiences have been around for eons, as practitioners have worked hard to try and perfect the process of contraception. Contraceptive methods have been around since ancient Egypt, dating back to around 1850 B.C., and included various “spermicidal” jellies and mixtures — acacia gum, a mixture of honey and sodium carbonate, and crocodile dung.

Flash-forward to mid-20th century — the advent of the birth control pill was about to change America. One man born in the 1930s and privy to the mega-cultural changes of the U.S. said that had he not had to worry about getting girls pregnant when he started having sex, he would never have gotten married. Surely, this went for a lot of men, and women, for that matter. After the advent of the pill, instead of rushing to get married, either while still in high school or right after, basically, as he put it, to have sex, men and women could take their time without the seemingly unavoidable risk of pregnancy. For women, this was significant. From birth control pills to making abortion legal, women could finally have more control over their bodies in regards to sexual experiences. For both men and women, sex could be enjoyable without making lifelong commitments, planning the baby’s room or wearing condoms.

While some jumped on board with this new liberating viewpoint of sex and love, many others had religious ideologies that weighed heavily on their consciences. Religion and attending church was a part of the norm for the average family for much of the baby boomer generation. For many decades (and still lingering in popular culture today), the idea of sex outside of marriage carried with it a negative connotation. Although casual sex has always been happening, and is more openly talked about today, Americans seem still to be reluctant to accept sex as a natural occurrence between males and females that doesn’t necessarily have to result in lifelong binding agreements.

The evolution of relationships has changed significantly over the last several decades. Some people would say birth control is to blame; others say that they have learned many great lessons from their parents and grandparents and want to steer clear of their mistakes. With every generation comes a slightly different perspective on love and marriage. Individuals are paving their own paths, mixing tradition with contemporary situations or simply abandoning what they have learned from their elders and doing what feels right. Though there still is some sense of urgency to hook up and walk down the aisle, times are a-changin’.

The sanctity of wholly living together
For generations X, Y and whatever has come after the nuclear family, the formula for marriage appears to have dramatically changed. Fifty, 60 years ago, the formula seemed simple: first came love, then came marriage, then came baby in the baby carriage — Ozzie and Harriet style. These days, first comes promiscuity and experimentation, then come college degrees, then multiple relationships, then prenuptial agreements and, if everyone agrees to the terms of the contract, then comes marriage. In some prenups, offspring can also have monetary value. For both men and women, marriages can be dissolved if certain contractual obligations aren’t met, resulting in months, and the loss of lots of money, in divorce court. Out with romance and in with business negotiations.

In a 2010 report by the Population Reference Bureau, statistics show that marriage simply isn’t as important as it used to be. Or perhaps a better word is, popular. In 1965, 80 percent of young adults, between the ages of 25 and 34, were married; in 2010, around 45 percent. During the last 10 years, the percentage of the same age group who had never been married went from 34.5 in 2000 to 46.3 in 2009. While marriage rates have declined, adults are also opting out of holy matrimony, at least in their younger adult years. Experts say there is still a 90 percent chance that an adult will get married during his or her lifetime.

According to the bureau report, in the 1970s, several factors contributed to a steady decline in marriage, including rising divorce rates, an increase in women’s educational attainment and labor force participation, and a rise in cohabitation as an alternative or precursor to marriage. Data about divorce rates in America today show that about 50 percent of first-time marriages end up in divorce, and most divorces occur between the ages of 20 and 25. For second and third marriages, the divorce rate vastly increases. While some analytical reports contend that divorce rates are lower, the decreasing number of people getting married doesn’t seem to be taken into account. According to a 2010 Census Bureau report, the number of opposite-sex unmarried couples who shared living arrangements increased by 13 percent to 7.5 million in 2010, compared with a 2 percent decrease between 2008 and 2009; there were about 620,000 same-sex couples living together.

So what changed? Maybe young adults fear bitter divorces. Maybe couples are still making long-term commitments with cakes and parties but avoiding the government contract. Maybe happiness between two adults isn’t as easily defined as it once was, or appeared to be.

No matter what road anyone takes, be it love and no marriage, or marriage and no love, or for some who are fortunate enough to have love and marriage, the journey is always worth the risk. As best-selling author Greg Anderson once put it, “Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity, but in doing it.”   

michael@vcreporter.com