Love hurts
Local dating columnist gets some Tough Love from reality show host
By Ali Kay 02/11/2010
My dating life is a cross between Sex and the City and The Love Boat. Though I’m a dating columnist, I am dating-challenged. So it seemed like divine intervention when, shortly after I became a fan of VH1’s hit show Tough Love, the host, Steven Ward, was scheduled to appear in So Cal. It was my opportunity to meet my new dating guru.
Contestants on Tough Love are encouraged to ultimately move toward self-growth and heal their love and dating issues. Ward has influenced me to look at my flagrant dating patterns, and change them. He says his feedback is “constructive, not destructive,” and implores that it is imperative that I don’t repeat my dating mistakes.
Many women wonder what it would be like to wake up with Steven Ward — and it’s fabulous! No, he wasn’t actually in bed with me, but when he called at 10:30 a.m. on a Monday, from a French bakery in SoHo, New York, it was just as good. His East Coast accent and tell-it-like-it-is personality make him just as adorable by phone as he is on TV. I had so many things to ask him, but the most pressing question was: when is the right time to sleep with a man?
“Immediately or take some time — the woman has to be the most comfortable,” he said. I asked him what men really mean when they say they don’t want a relationship. “It’s subjective. There are not enough upsides,” he said.
“Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? If you are sleeping with him and if you are going to him, why would he have to commit? What is he going to get out of a commitment, with the benefit that he’s already getting? Meeting your family and being accountable for you — those are costs,” Ward quipped. I realized I was in deep, but had to go deeper. I asked why men run away from intimacy. “Beats me — maybe because there are bigger stakes . . . there is a deeper-rooted fear, like disintegration anxiety, which is when somebody feels they will lose their identity in a relationship,” Ward explained. I mentioned fear of losing one’s independence. “That’s another one,” he agreed.
We talked about relationships, and it all seemed so simple to him. When asked what is key to making a relationship work, he answered candidly: “Communication, trust and respect.” I asked him, what about sex? “With good communication, you can have a good sex life,” he said. I drew the sex card because I believe it’s an important part of a relationship. “If you can communicate and you can trust they [your partner] are not screwing someone else, you can have a good sex life,” Ward revealed. I thought good sex had something to do with dirty talk, being adventurous and spicing it up. Does dirty talk fall under good communication? I didn’t ask him that, but I probably should have.
So, being that communication, trust and respect are keys to a healthy relationship, I wondered what character weaknesses would destroy a relationship. “Insecurity rooted in fear,” Ward said. “If you were cheated on before, then you meet another guy, you can’t assume he will be cheating on you, too. You can’t project.” Ward has a solution for trust issues that he defines as “hyper-communication.” He suggests that if a woman is worried her partner may be running around, he should check in with text messages stating he is late or on his way. “It’s all about communication.”
“I don’t think every single woman has trust issues — most are confident and know what they can bring to a relationship,” Ward said. When asked what three things turn a man on, the winners were confidence, fun and approachability. In contrast, being bitchy, uptight and close-minded will turn men off.
So what do men want? “Honestly, they need to feel exceptional; they want to feel needed. If you classify him like every other guy, he is going to feel like every guy that it hasn’t worked out with.” Ward made it clear that it’s unfair to project drama from a past lover onto someone new.
We gracefully moved past the sex talk and segued into deeper issues, which involve how to spot red flags in a man. “Flank them — come from the side,” he suggested. I’ve only heard that word used in reference to beef, which only reminded me how much I love beefcakes. Ward explained that you can casually find out about religious differences for example by bringing up the movie The Da Vinci Code.
“Yeah, but what about bigger things like anger and alcohol?” I asked, in a pressing way. In his typical Tough Love manner — he blurted out the unimaginable. “Are you dating losers?” Ward then softened, not to the point of warm butter, but just enough to give me some solace. “Unfortunately, you have to do the work to undo the damage those women have let them get away with. It’s made men less respectful toward women. Don’t tolerate it — it’s up to you to take a stand.” I understand he is empowering me, and I am appreciative. Ward then absolutely took my breath away. “You’re a great girl with a lot to offer. Don’t lower your standards. Have self-respect. Work what your momma gave you. Seduce him. Women rule men. Rule these men. Don’t let them rule you. Don’t allow them to screw with your head.”
I told him it’s probably some of the best advice I have received. He offered to coach me, and I realized that I could use it. Steven Ward is a wake-up call for many women. If you are single and are repeating the same bad dating patterns and want a healthy relationship — tune into Tough Love. If you are in a relationship that is having challenges — tune into Tough Love Couples, which will air later this year. “Marriage is a great way to provide stability, structure and support, but you’ve got to marry someone on your level that you belong with, someone that you are growing with,” he noted.
Ward is the right combination of powerful, charming and blunt, which almost effortlessly commands attention. It’s hard not to look at him with his boyish good looks, but it’s his powerful statements that captivate. Dating is complicated. Steven Ward and his Tough Love make it seem a little easier.
Season two is currently airing on VH1, Sundays at 9 p.m. Tough Love for Couples is now casting. Ward also has a new book out, Crash Course in Love, which he co-authored with his mom, JoAnn Ward.
Ali Kay’s dating column can be read at www.livejournal.com/users/spiralgrrl.
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