~ASTROLOGY~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19):

\\\\\\\”When the first settlers arrived in the New World, they were terrified by the vast open spaces,\\\\\\\” says Peter Anastas in the film *Polis Is This.* \\\\\\\”They wanted to remake this unkempt paradise into a big English garden.\\\\\\\” This is a scenario you should NOT imitate in 2007, Aries. Wander out into the unknown with a cracked grin and a wild heart. Let it work its elemental magic on you. Don\\\\\\\’t be too eager to turn the frontier into a comfy hang-out.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20):

Though millions of other people may be flirting with glamorous badness and crafty nastiness in 2007, I bet you\\\\\\\’ll have a minimal attraction to negativity, no matter how interesting it might allegedly be. Drama kings and drama queens may try to seduce you into the crazy chaos they stir up through their addiction to pain, but you\\\\\\\’ll be pretty immune to their temptations. Seemingly reasonable people might hope you\\\\\\\’ll buy into their gloom and doom, but you\\\\\\\’ll be too smart for that. Congratulations in advance for your determination to be free of the stupid suffering that so many people love to entertain themselves with.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20):

\\\\\\\”Dear Rob: Did you ever hear of that monstrous experiment in which a monkey actually died from lack of touch? I often feel like that poor creature. For a while I thought I was being selfish to want more love, but now I\\\\\\\’m sick of that idiotic intellectualized self-denial, and refuse to pretend I\\\\\\\’m a self-sufficient saint who can go through life feeling a chronic grey bathwater haze of half-assed passion. Is there any hope? -Deprived Gemini.\\\\\\\” Dear Deprived: Good news! The possibility that you\\\\\\\’ll be inundated with love is higher in 2007 than it has been for years. Here are two tips to make it more likely that you\\\\\\\’ll be in the right places at the right times to capitalize: (1) Make yourself supremely lovable; (2) increase your capacity to give love.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22):

I nominate you to be the zodiac\\\\\\\’s most successful complainer in 2007. According to my analysis of the omens, you could excel at formulating brisk critiques and constructive dissent. You may even have a genius for bringing the bracing intelligence of the heart to bear on situations that are paralyzed by mind games. If you manage to fulfill the potential I\\\\\\\’m prophesying, you\\\\\\\’ll set in motion far-reaching ripples of benevolent change. More power to you, Cancerian! May your grumbles and squawks and protests be imbued with lyrical persuasiveness.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22):

My beautiful and talented Leo friend Alisha had a traumatic experience early in her romantic history. At age 17, she fell in love with the garbage man who hauled away her family\\\\\\\’s trash every Saturday. Through her persistent efforts, the two of them started dating, even though her parents hated his surly vulgarity, his permanently dirty fingernails, and the fact that he couldn\\\\\\\’t read. After a whirlwind affair, alas, he broke up with her. Ever since, even as Alisha has learned to make better choices, she has carried the tragicomic embarrassment of having been dumped by a mean, illiterate garbage man. But I predict that in 2007 she\\\\\\\’ll be healed: Delightful adventures in love will utterly expunge that old twinge. Moreover, I believe many of you Leos will find comparable romantic redemption.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

In Kabbalah, the tree of life is the primary symbol of the universe. In Norse mythology, the World Tree links heaven to earth and shelters all living things; beneath it lies a magical well with water that confers special powers on those who drink it. The ancient Chinese spoke of a peach tree that bore a single fruit once every three millennia, and provided immortality to anyone who ate it. In the mythic tradition of modern science, trees have a crucial role in maintaining the ecological health of the planet. I mention all this, Virgo, because in 2007 you\\\\\\\’ll benefit tremendously from deepening your relationship with trees–both the actual and mythical kinds. Get to know them better. Learn from them. Plant some. Put a picture of a favorite tree on your altar. Hug one now and then.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

According to *The Onion* newspaper, the Catholic Church has abolished the traditional \\\\\\\”blessed\\\\\\\” status of the meek. The new official story is that the meek shall *not* inherit the earth. One Church official was quoted as saying, \\\\\\\”Everything about the meek, from their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy.\\\\\\\” I can\\\\\\\’t confirm the accuracy of *The Onion\\\\\\\’s* report, but it does underscore a point I want to drive home to you in 2007: It\\\\\\\’ll be a favorable time for you to get tough with the docile, submissive aspects of your own psyche. Humility\\\\\\\’s fine; that can stay. But you should take aggressive measures to lose any tendencies you might have to be passive. Capitalize on the fact that events in the coming months will help you tap into reserves of courage that have previously been inaccessible.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

In 2007, you\\\\\\\’ll need to find the power to do the half-right thing when it\\\\\\\’s impossible to do the totally right thing. To help you do that, remember this advice from Abraham Lincoln: \\\\\\\”The true rule, in determining to embrace or reject anything, is not whether it have any evil in it; but whether it have more of evil than of good. There are few things wholly evil, or wholly good. Almost every thing is an inseparable compound of the two; so that our best judgment of the preponderance between them is continually demanded.\\\\\\\”

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

Not everything you feel in 2007 will be new, but you\\\\\\\’ll have a lot more novel emotions than in a typical year. Not everything you do will be creative and imaginative, but I suspect you\\\\\\\’ll often be improvising your way smartly through experiences that have no precedent. You may not be relentlessly reinventing yourself, but I bet you\\\\\\\’ll be imitating your old shticks and tricks less than you ever have before.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

Your sins are pretty mild, Capricorn. Still, you have from time to time violated some of your own highest standards; you have on occasion failed to live with impeccable ethical integrity. That\\\\\\\’s the bad news. The good news is that in 2007 you will have the best chance ever to atone for past mistakes. If done well, your corrective actions will win you a permanent vacation from the hell that those mistakes have sometimes trapped you in.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

There are still places in China where plagues of locusts periodically descend in Biblical proportions. A few years ago, farmers in the region of Xinjiang fought back, gathering an army of 10,000 chickens in anticipation of the invading hordes. The bird soldiers were trained for two months, and when the showdown came, they acquitted themselves admirably. This vignette is an apt metaphor for a challenge you\\\\\\\’ll face in 2007. While in general the year should bring an abundant amount of sweet luck and high adventures, there will be a locust visitation or two. I urge you to assemble your own personal equivalent of a chicken army. What might that mean, practically speaking? Here are some possibilities: (1) Be well-prepared for natural anomalies. (2) Ally yourself with the enemy of your adversary. (3) Get others to help you fight your battles.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20):

You\\\\\\\’re not wearing a chastity belt right now, right? You don\\\\\\\’t have on shoes that are so tight that they constrict your sense of adventure? And please tell me you\\\\\\\’re not lugging around toxic beliefs about the impossibility of experiencing authentic joy in this \\\\\\\”sick, twisted, miserable world we live in.\\\\\\\” But if by chance you *have* victimized yourself with any of the debilitations I just named–or any other form of self-torture for the matter–please take this opportunity to unburden yourself. The time has come for you to explore the mysteries of pleasure, happiness, and outright euphoria. I hope that in 2007, you will fully exploit the new title I now anoint you with: Bliss Warrior.

To check out my expanded audio previews of your long-term destiny in 2007, go to http://RealAstrology.com.

~ ASTROLOGY ~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19):

Happy Holy Daze, Aries! I\\\’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gifts for you. What might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? Here\\\’s my answer: a plane ticket to an exotic playground where your mind will get blown and your emotions aired out and your instincts educated. Another gift I\\\’d love you to have would be a pilgrimage to a spot where you lived once upon a time. There you could take advantage of Nelson Mandela\\\’s counsel: \\\”There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.\\\”

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20):

Happy Holy Daze, Taurus! I\\\’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What item might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? I\\\’ve decided on Winning With Integrity: Getting What You\\\’re Worth Without Selling Your Soul, a book by sports agent Leigh Steinberg. It\\\’ll help you be both smart and heartful as you navigate your way through the negotiations you\\\’ll be called on to do in the coming months. Here\\\’s a taste of Steinberg\\\’s advice. (1) Align yourself with people who share your values. (2) Learn all you can about the other party. (3) Create a climate of cooperation, not conflict. (4) Learn to listen. (5) Convince the other party you have an option, even if you don\\\’t.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20):

Happy Holy Daze, Gemini! I\\\’ve been thinking about the perfect holiday gift for you to give yourself. Considering the cosmic currents in 2007, what offering would be most appropriate? The answer is a magic mirror. Why? Because I think you should look at your reflection more often in the coming year. Gaze more deeply into your own eyes and try harder to find out who\\\’s really there inside you. Talk to yourself pointedly while you\\\’re in front of your magic mirror; ask yourself probing questions. And every now and then, press up close to your reflection for a kiss.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22):

Happy Holy Daze, Cancerian! I\\\’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might put you in the right mood to deal proactively with potential problems in 2007? I\\\’ve decided on a set of those specially-designed clothes-storage bags that allow you to suck all the air out, compressing your sweaters and pants so that they take up significantly less space in your luggage or closet. Hopefully these bags would inspire you to come up with creative applications of the \\\”less is more\\\” principle, which will be a recurring theme for you in the coming months.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22):

Happy Holy Daze, Leo! In 2007, I predict that you\\\’ll experience a metaphorical version of something that\\\’s rare in nature: a gentle birth. There\\\’ll be a big new addition to your life, in other words, and its arrival won\\\’t hurt a bit–may even feel downright ecstatic. Here\\\’s some more mysterious good news: In the coming months, you will have the power to learn from the moon, converse with the dead, and remember your ancient origins. And get this: The adventures that amuse you most could involve foam rubber, distant bells, smoke rising from manholes, plums from Damascus, and exotic trophies. One more thing, Leo: In 2007, brand new bedtime stories will be mandatory.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

Mytho-poetic scholars say that honey symbolizes emotional maturity. When it appears in your dreams or reveries, it may mean you\\\’re expanding your capacity to experience feelings that are positive and healthy for you. It suggests you\\\’re ready to shed distorted psychological patterns that you unwittingly absorbed as a child, and replace them with new imprints that are in harmony with your highest values. Since 2007 will bring opportunities for you to do these exact things, Virgo, I suggest that you give honey an honored place in your life. Maybe buy some of the best stuff on the market, put it in a fine decanter, and keep it on an altar in your bedroom. Happy Holy Daze!

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Happy Holy Daze, Libra! I\\\’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2007? I\\\’ve decided on the book Power Unseen: How Microbes Rule the World. In it, author Bernard Dixon praises bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protozoa. Without them, he says, we\\\’d be nothing. They\\\’re instrumental in providing our food, purifying our drinking water, and processing our sewage. If you keep Power Unseen in a prominent place in your home during the coming months, it might constantly remind you to be reverent toward and grateful for the little things–which is exactly what the astrological omens suggest you should do. Maybe the book will also inspire you to be alert for invisible helpers and inconspicuous allies.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

Happy Holy Daze, Scorpio! I\\\’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2007? I\\\’ve decided on Elvis Presley\\\’s favorite midnight snack: a peanut butter and banana sandwich deep-fried in butter. Why? Because like the King, you should aggressively pursue the unique experiences that will reliably give you comfort and sustenance. Like the King, you should feel no guilt about doing unusual things that you know in your heart will help you perform at your best.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

Happy Holy Daze, Sagittarius! My gift for you is the following oracle: A breakthrough you were blessed with in 1995 will be coming back around in 2007. How? Three possible ways: (1) You\\\’ll be inspired to make changes to whatever sprung from that original breakthrough 12 years ago. (2) You\\\’ll be visited by a new version of that breakthrough, on a higher octave this time. (3) You\\\’ll attempt a quantum leap that resembles the original, but happens in a different area of your life.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

Happy Holy Daze, Capricorn! I\\\’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2007? I\\\’ve decided on Ed Anger\\\’s book Let\\\’s Pave the Stupid Rainforests & Give School Teachers Stun Guns. Not because I agree with his assertions, but simply because his outrageousness might push you to dream up wild solutions to your same old boring dilemmas; his rowdy spirit may fuel your own rebellious flights of imagination that will inspire you to fight back against the numbing insanity of the loony bin known as \\\”reality.\\\”

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

You should and could be the zodiac\\\’s premier networker in 2007. The connections you foster and the deals you broker can save the world–or at least your local segment of the world. In order to pull it all off with maximum effectiveness, you should also be the zodiac\\\’s premier fun-maker. Throw parties, tell jokes, and constantly invite people to play harder and take themselves less seriously. What can you do to prepare for this destiny? Start by getting yourself holiday gifts that will help you fulfill your assignments. How about installing a backyard water park, for instance? (Neiman-Marcus offers such a thing in its Christmas catalog.) Or about some comedy lessons from a person like the humor coach in the film Borat? Happy Holy Daze, Aquarius!

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20):

Happy Holy Daze, Pisces! I\\\’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic item might stimulate you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? I\\\’ve decided on a ladder. This power object will signify two important themes for you: (1) Your potential to climb to a higher level of excellence and clout, giving you a more expansive view of your surroundings. (2) The need to make this ascent carefully and deliberately (not quickly and sloppily), with the aid of simple tools (not with the metaphorical equivalent of an elevator), and with trustworthy assistance (for example, with someone to hold the ladder steady).

~ ASTROLOGY ~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

\”Listen! I will be honest with you. I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes.\” Walt Whitman wrote that in his poem \”Song of the Open Road,\” and now I\’m saying it to you. If you expect the events of 2007 to bring you old smooth prizes, you\’ll be disappointed. But if you can figure out how to change your attitude in such a way as to actually yearn for rough new prizes, you will be rewarded beyond anything you can imagine. The first hint of how true this is will arrive soon.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

Drugs and alcohol need play no role in activating this week\’s potentials. Your mind will just naturally inhabit what we in the consciousness industry call an \”altered state.\” This is very different from being sick or crazy, and it could turn out much better than being merely healthy. My advice to you? Break taboos that are no longer necessary to observe. Wander uninhibitedly in zones that have previously been off-limits. Explore the frontiers of fun. (P.S. If you try what I\’m suggesting, chances are good that you\’ll finally be able to scratch an itch that has been maddeningly inaccessible. But be sure you know when you\’ve scratched enough.)

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

\”God was a little too busy to do anything about the genocide in Darfur last weekend,\” reported Fark.com a while back, \”but did manage, during a snowstorm in Buffalo, to leave fallen tree limbs in the form of a crucifix on a statue of Jesus.\” That\’s a mean-spirited interpretation of the Divine Wow\’s behavior, although it\’s funny in a snarky kind of way. Your assignment in the coming week, on the other hand, is to joke about spiritual matters with a more generous attitude. It\’s prime time for you to be humorously amazed by the tricky enigmas of creation. (To see the miracle in Buffalo, go here: http://tinyurl.com/ub2z3.)

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

Imagine you\’re with a team of explorers in Antarctica. You\’re climbing the 2,000-foot granite spire called Rakekniven that thrusts up out of the ice in Queen Maud Land. The temperature is ten degrees below zero. There\’s not a plant or animal in sight. The blinding white emptiness of the wasteland beneath you fills you with desolate reverence, alienated awe, and soaring gratitude. As far as you are from everything that normally gives you comfort, you\’ve rarely felt stronger or more alive. Got that scene in your mind\’s eye, Cancerian? Though you won\’t experience it literally, I bet you\’ll experience emotions similar to those you\’d have if you did.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Your face alternately contorts with strain and breaks into beatific grins. Your body language careens from garbled jargon to melodic poetry. Your clothes make a fool of you one day and show off your inner beauty the next. Are you becoming bi-polar? Probably not. The more likely explanation is that you\’re being convulsed by growing pains that are killing off bad old habits as fast as they\’re creating interesting new ones. This is one of those times when you should be proud to wear a badge that says \”hurts so good.\”

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Here\’s the bad news. Sometimes your perfectionism verges on being a sophisticated death trip–a manic compulsion to trap life inside a tight little cell where no change is allowed. Here\’s the good news: You now have the power to strip away the pathological part of your perfectionism and liberate the healthy core of it. Please swear to me that you\’ll figure out how to be more fluid and playful with your zeal for excellence. Spend less time running your mind in vicious circles and more time running your mind in upward spirals.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

There are three kinds of darkness: (1) pathology and evil; (2) the mysterious unknown; (3) the shadowy, unripe parts of our psyches that are on their way to becoming more interesting and useful but are still awkward and inarticulate. I believe that you can help prevent outbreaks of the first kind of darkness by developing a closer personal relationship with the second and third types. This would be a good time for you to do just that, Libra.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpio actor Leonardo DiCaprio is not a big fan of locking lips. \”When you think about it, kissing is pretty disgusting,\” he told Britain\’s *Eva* magazine. \”The human mouth is one of the dirtiest things on this planet. There\’s so much bacteria, slime, and trapped food.\” I hope that you will not only ignore DiCaprio\’s opinion in the coming months, but that you will launch a campaign to increase your commitment to kissing and all related pursuits. In my opinion, the potentials inherent in 2007 should inspire you to raise your mastery of the oral arts to a very high level. And it starts now.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

\”The thing that makes you exceptional is inevitably that which must also make you lonely,\” said playwright Lorraine Hansberry. I agree. That\’s why my exuberant advice for you this week is also cautionary. According to my reading of the omens, in 2007 you will have unprecedented opportunities to cultivate and express the special talents that make you so unique. To get to the root of them, though, you\’ll have to be willing to get less of the approval and appreciation you\’d ideally like to have. You may not have to be relentlessly solitary, but you will have to be vigorously independent.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Harper\’s Index says the U.S. government spends more than twice as much on military defense than do Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran combined. The aggregate population of those four countries, on the other hand, is five times larger than America\’s 300 million people. One might reasonably conclude, therefore, that while the U.S. has a right to safeguard itself, its glut of weaponry is absurdly extreme. I\’m not definitively asserting, Capricorn, that you, too, are over-invested in defending and protecting your interests, but the astrological omens suggest it\’s a possibility. Please look into it. In any case, consider freeing up some of your contracted, fearful energy and directing it toward more pleasurable and constructive goals.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Some Christians believe Jesus will come back to fix this corrupt world. Certain Jewish sects propose that the messiah will soon appear on earth for the first time. Among Muslims, many predict the legendary 12th Imam will return and bring salvation to humanity. In India, devotees of Vishnu expect the avatar Kalki to arrive on the scene and carry out a miraculous redemption. Even the Buddhists prophesy Maitreya, the chosen one who\’ll establish universal peace. Personally, I suspect that the whole point of our spectacularly confounding moment in history is that each of us must become our own savior. The coming year will be an excellent time, Aquarius, for you to master the art of doing just that: being your own savior. And it all starts now. (P.S. You can perform a great service by being a role model for those who haven\’t yet figured out how to be their own saviors.)

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20)

In Cracker\’s hit song \”Where Have Those Days Gone,\” singer David Lowery recounts a road trip he made through his old haunts in California. \”In Mendocino County, I thought I saw Thomas Pynchon at the end of the bar,\” he croons. \”No, that\’s just Rob Brezsny writing his astrology column.\” While in the past I\’ve been confused with David Duchovny, Peter Coyote, and Ry Cooder, this marks the first time I\’ve been mistaken for the great novelist Pynchon. Thanks, David. Now it\’s time for you Pisceans to find out what celebrity you resemble. The omens say it\’s perfect moment for you to identify with a hero, role model, or famous mover and shaker. To do so might help free your self-image from the unheroic confines it has gotten stuck in. Go here to investigate: http://tinyurl.com/c4x23.

~ ASTROLOGY~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

In the ancient Hebrew text known as the Second Book of Enoch, the author describes his trip through the ten heavens and a meeting with God. He\’s surprised to find that hell is here, located in the northern regions of the third heaven. Why is this relevant to you? Because I believe it might help you understand an apparent anomaly that will soon appear. While you\’ll be having expansive adventures in circumstances that resemble paradise, there\’ll also be a diabolical area nestled right in the midst of the beauty. It won\’t be a big deal or terrible annoyance as long as you recognize it early and plot a course around it.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

\”Connections are made slowly; sometimes they grow underground,\” writes Marge Piercy in her book Circles in the Water. \”You cannot tell always by looking what is happening. More than half a tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.\” Piercy advises us to use this strategy in our own lives. \”Penetrate quietly as the earthworm. Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden. Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar. Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in, a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside, but to us interconnected with burrows and lairs.\” It so happens, Taurus, that this is the perfect astrological oracle for you, beginning now and throughout 2007.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

It\’s Adopt-a-Gemini Week. That means it would be a favorable time for you to divorce your real parents and hook up with some new, better ones. If you like your original mother and father OK but still want some additional nurturing, think about looking for a mentor. Strike up a dialogue with a potential sugar daddy or sugar mama. See if you can track down your very own spin doctor, grant-writer, or stuntperson. In short, my lovable and cuddly friend, ask the universe to send you guardian angels who understand you at least as well as you understand yourself.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

Writing in Whole Earth, Dr. Andrew Weil says, \”Any level of biological organization that we examine, from DNA up to the most complex body systems, shows the capacity for self-diagnosis, for removal of damaged structure, and for regeneration of new structure.\” I urge you to keep that idea close to the front of your mind in the coming week, Cancerian. Contrary to what authorities in many fields would lead you to believe, you have a lot of innate power to figure out exactly how to fix your own problems, both the health-related kind and any others.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Never before in the history of the English language have the words \”wildfire\” and \”devotion\” appeared side by side. And yet here they are now, together at last, conspiring to convey a subtly spectacular meaning to you. It\’s time, my dear Leo, for you to practice wildfire devotion: to be both earthy and vehement, to blend incendiary style with deeply rooted commitment, to be as flamingly relentless as a wildfire in your staunch devotion to your future\’s most potent dream.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I can\’t believe I\’m saying this, but doing lots of housework in the coming days could give you a big lift. At least for now, organizing the clutter and cleaning up a hundred little messes in your home could directly or indirectly lead to improved health, interesting developments in your sex life, and upgrades in your relationship to future work possibilities. It might even free up psychic energy that has been stuck, help you rediscover an important thing you thought you\’d lost, and remind you to take better care of a crucial connection you\’ve been taking for granted.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This would be a good time for you to drink cups of coffee that are half decaffeinated and half caffeinated. And to become more curious and proactive about every one of your love-hate relationships. And to say yes and no in the same breath, and practice patting your head while rubbing your stomach, and embrace your contradictions with big-hearted inclusiveness. I\’ll even go so far as to suggest that you may be able to sit very comfortably on the fence as you have your cake and eat it too.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

If you will ever in your life acquire the means to buy a 12,000-square-foot mansion, a private jet and yacht, your own personal manager, and an ecological organization devoted to saving endangered species in far-flung parts of the world, it will be in 2007. I\\\’m not saying this will definitely happen; I just want you to know that the astrological omens regarding your cash flow will be particularly perky in the coming months. But even if you don\’t get the chance to find out if extravagant wealth and luxury will corrupt your beautiful soul, I bet you will at least get richer quicker. This week will bring a juicy clue that will show you just what I\’m talking about. Pay close attention.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Does anyone have to go to the bathroom, get a drink, or take some Advil? Are there any nagging little concerns that need attending to? I urge you to take care of these or any other matters of personal comfort before we plunge into this assembling-jigsaw-puzzles-while-riding-on-a-rollercoaster kind of week, this swimming-the-backstroke-through-the-churning-waters-of-the-tunnel-of-love-while-wearing-a-medieval-knight\’s-helmet-and-your-sexiest-underwear kind of week, this everyone-for-himself-but-we\’re-all-in-this-together kind of week.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

A Detroit woman became so crushed by despair that she decided to kill herself. Ethel Farbinger\’s husband and mother had died within the span of a month, and she felt she couldn\’t go on. Retreating to a bathroom with the intention of plunging a knife into her heart, she was diverted from her plan by a vision shimmering in the toilet bowl. There in the water she saw an image of Saint Padre Pio, who spoke to her. \”Ending it all will cause more problems than it will solve,\” he said. \”Let God\’s love help you through this ordeal.\” Farbinger\’s suicidal urges instantly departed, and she returned to her life with a renewed sense of purpose. I don\’t believe you\’re in anywhere near as bad a shape as she was, Capricorn, but I suspect there will be at least one similarity between her story and yours: You\’ll find redemption where once there was crap.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

One of my relatives who was born under the sign of Aquarius once locked herself in her art studio for six months and painted 20 giant canvases all with the same theme: hurricanes extinguishing forest fires. Then she went through a phase when she specialized in painting punk angels with tattered wings swooping down to give birthday cakes and balloons to bums in junkyards. After that she emerged fully into the world again and lived her life in a way that resembled the paintings she\\\’d been doing. She acted like a metaphorical hurricane as she put out metaphorical forest fires, and she went around helping the underprivileged while styling herself in the persona of a punk angel. She\\\’s your role model for the coming weeks, Aquarius. It will be a great time to translate your eccentric dreams and private fantasies into practical actions.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20)

If you\’re a man, your penis just might grow bigger in the coming weeks. If you\’re a woman, your ability to experience profound and poetic emotions will deepen. No matter what gender you are, your capacity for orgasmic pleasure could increase. And this is just a fraction of the advances that are potentially in the offing for your tribe. Buoyant cosmic energies are surging within you, enhancing everything related to your joy and vitality and confidence. It\’s as if your animal intelligence is getting a boost from a divine form of lust; as if you\’re tapping into a source of high-octane energy that originates in God\’s libido.

I dare you to beam unconditional acceptance at a part of yourself that you\’ve always criticized. Testify by going to www.realastrology.com and clicking on \”Email Rob.\”

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UPCOMING COMMUNITY EVENTS

  1. Ventura Water Presents the 7th Annual Water: Take 1 Film Festival

    March 21 @ 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm
  2. Irish Film: Wind That Shakes The Barley

    March 21 @ 7:00 pm - 9:30 pm
  3. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time *Ventura County Premiere*

    March 21 @ 8:00 pm - 10:00 pm
  4. WEEKLY SOUND BATH – THOUSAND OAKS

    March 22 @ 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm
  5. BREAKING LEGS

    March 22 @ 8:00 pm - 10:30 pm
  6. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time *Ventura County Premiere*

    March 22 @ 8:00 pm - 10:00 pm
  7. OLIVAS ADOBE ANNUAL USED BOOK SALE

    March 23 @ 11:00 am - March 24 @ 4:00 pm
  8. Studio Channel Islands Collector’s Choice 2019

    March 23 @ 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
  9. AN EVENING WITH JOHN ROBLES AND CHUCUMITE At Santa Paula Theater Center

    March 23 @ 7:30 pm - 10:30 pm
  10. BREAKING LEGS

    March 23 @ 8:00 pm - 10:30 pm

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