Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

ARIES
(March 21-April 19)

Are you a gelatinous pool of longing yet? Are you a perfumed garden of madly blooming purple explosions? Are you throbbing and gooey and half-nauseated with that delicious sickness some people call love? If not, I don’t know what to tell you. By all astrological reckoning, your gut should be swarming with drunk butterflies, and the clouds should be taking on the shapes of mating horses. If you’re not half-drowning in these symptoms, I implore you to find a way to pry open the floodgates.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)

You’re primed to cancel a jinx in the coming days, Taurus. You could help someone (maybe even yourself) escape a bewitchment, and you might be able to soothe a wound that has been festering for a long time. In fact, I’m playing with the fantasy that you are now the living embodiment of a lucky charm. At no other time in recent memory have you had so much power to reverse the effects of perverse karma, bad habits and just plain negative vibes. Your hands and eyes are charged with good medicine. Other parts of you are, too, which means sexual healing could be in the works. But as you embark on your mission to cure everyone you love, remember the first law of the soul doctor: “Physician, heal thyself.”

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)

The Norwegians used to have a concept called svoermere, which meant something sweetly futile or deliciously unprofitable. While I can see the appeal that your particular version of svoermere has had for you, Gemini, I think it’s time to think about moving on. According to my reading of the omens, you have both a right and a duty to seek out more constructive pleasures that not only make you feel really good but also serve your long-term goals.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)

It’s Freedom from Want Week! For Cancerians only! During this uncanny grace period, you might actually feel perfectly contented. It’s quite possible that you’ll be free from the obsession to acquire more security, more love, more proof of your greatness, more tchotchkes, more everything. You may even make the shocking discovery that you don’t need nearly as much as you thought you did in order to be happy, that maybe you have a lot to learn about getting more out of what you already have.

LEO
(July 30-Aug. 22)

Would you like to spend the next 30 years working your assets off to make your bosses rich? If not, I suggest you start formulating Plan B immediately. The astrological time is not exactly ripe to extricate yourself from the wicked game, but it’s ripe to begin scheming and dreaming about how to extricate yourself. Here’s a tip to get you in the mood. Assume that there’s some validity in the meme that mythologist Joseph Campbell articulated: “Follow your bliss and the money will come.” Then ask yourself, “Do I even know what my bliss is? Not my mild joy or diversionary fun but my unadulterated bliss?” Once you know that, you can follow it. And then, inevitably — although it may take a while — the money will follow.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

As the season of riddles and paradoxes kicks into high gear, I present you with a two-part quiz. Question 1: Since it has taken you your whole life to become the person you are today, is it reasonable to expect that you can transform yourself in a flash? Question 2: On the other hand, since you are more creative than you give yourself credit for, and are also in an astrological phase when your ability to change is greater than usual, is it reasonable to assume that you must remain utterly stuck in your old ways of doing things?

LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
So much to say and do, so little time. Is it OK if I pepper you with pithy hints? It’s the only way to fit everything in. Here goes. There’s strength in numbers, Libra, so travel in packs. Round up support and whip up group fervor. Always say “we,” not “I.” Add at least one new friend and bolster at least one old friendship. Think before you act, but always act instead of watching from afar. Avoid doing stupid things in smart ways. To court good luck, do charity work. To ensure that extra favors will come your way later this year, do extra favors now.

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The Biblical book of Isaiah prophesies a future time of undreamed-of harmony and cooperation. “The wolf will romp with the lamb,” reads one translation. “Cow and bear will graze in the same pasture, their calves and cubs will grow up together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox.” I have it on good astrological authority that you’re now eligible for a preview of this paradisiacal state. To receive your free introductory offer, you need only meet one condition. You must vow not to harm any living thing — not even a cockroach. Not even the person you love best.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You Sagittarians are famous for filling your cups too full. Sometimes this is cute. Sometimes it’s a problem for those who don’t like cabernet sauvignon sloshed on their hand-woven Persian rugs. This week, however, I predict there will be little or no hell to pay for overflowing. So go ahead and transcend your containers, you beautiful exaggerators. Feel free to express yourself as a fire hose does. Now enjoy a few gems from your fellow Sagittarius, the extravagant poet and painter William Blake. 1. “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” 2. “Exuberance is beauty.” 3. “The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.” 4. “You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.”

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Constant vigilance, my friend. That’s what I advise. Be attentive to details you sometimes gloss over. Wake up a little earlier and prepare for each encounter with greater forethought. Stare a little harder into the hearts of all those whose hidden motivations might detour your destiny. Monitor every communication for hints that all is not as it seems. Most importantly, guard against the possibility that you may be overlooking a gift or blessing that’s being offered to you in an indirect way.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“Keep exploring what it takes to be the opposite of who you are,” suggests psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of the book Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention. This advice is one of his ideas about how to get into attunement with the Tao, also known as being in the zone or getting in the groove or being aligned with the great cosmic flow. How would you go about being the opposite of who you are, Aquarius? According to my reading of the omens, that will be an excellent question for you to muse about in the coming weeks. As you stretch yourself to embody the secret and previously unknown parts of you, I think you’ll be pleased with how much more thoroughly that allows you to be in sync with the rhythms of life.

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)
Internet addiction has risen to epidemic proportions in China. In early 2009, psychologists in Shandong province began offering an alleged cure that involved the use of electroshock therapy. Parents of 3,000 young people paid Dr. Yang Yongxin and his team more than $800 a month to hook their anesthetized teens up to machines that sent electricity through their brains to induce artificial seizures. After four months, the Chinese government intervened and halted the treatment, noting that there was no evidence it worked. This practice might sound comically barbaric to you, but I think it has a certain resemblance to the way you have been dealing with your own flaws and excesses: with inordinate force. In the coming weeks, I really think it’s important not to punish yourself for any reason, Pisces, even if it’s in a supposedly good cause. The lesson of the Chinese experiment is: not only is it overkill, it also doesn’t even have the desired effect.

Homework: Is there something about you that’s too tame? If so, do you think it’s time to untame yourself? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

ARIES
(March 21-April 19)

Storm chasers are people who love traveling around the continent in pursuit of wild weather. Nothing feeds their lust for life more than getting up-close and personal with a tornado or supercell thunderstorm. Many of them are meteorologists who are curious about the way storms work; they’re not motivated solely by bravado. I mention this because, according to my astrological analysis, the coming weeks will be prime time for Aries storm chasers to load up on thrills. The immediate future should also bring excellent opportunities for other Rams who are yearning for breezy adventures that will captivate their imaginations and slake their sense of wonder.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)

Let’s say that you lost a treasured object a while back. What do you think the odds are that you’ll find it this week? Or let’s say that a bewildering companion walked out of your life many moons ago. How much do you want to bet that your paths will cross again soon? According to my reading of the omens, events like these could be common between now and August 15. That’s because the past is cycling back to you for another look. Revival and resurrection are in the air. What has been old may become new again. Are you ready to experience something resembling time travel?

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)

The seductive torments of insatiable desires are leaving you in peace, at least for now. That means you’re free to concentrate on the easier gratification of more satiable desires. I hope you’re open to that, Gemini; I hope you haven’t fallen for the illusion that hard-to-get pleasures are deeper and finer. Please believe me when I tell you that you’re ready to exult and bask in the simple joys.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)

The coming week may be one big Ethical Test for you. Maybe today the cashier at the cafe will accidentally give you $10 too much in change. Tomorrow you could be baited with a chance to gain personal advantage by betraying a friend. The next day you may have to decide between doing the right thing and doing the kind thing. It has been a long time since your integrity has been pushed and probed and pricked like this. As you wend your way through the gray areas, Cancerian, remember that sometimes being moral is not about saying no, but saying yes. In fact, one of the most high-minded acts you could make is to open your heart to a righteous temptation.

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22)

Did life feel meaningless last week? Was your destiny a random sequence of events shepherding you to a series of different nowheres? Even worse, were you convinced that human beings are toxic scum? If so, Leo, get ready for your mood to shift drastically. The whims of fate are mutating. Soon, a source of curses may be a fount of blessings. Enticing leads will rise up out of the midst of boredom. Human beings will fascinate and teach you, and every day will bring new signs to draw you deeper into delicious mysteries.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re hereby relieved of your responsibility to keep everyone’s illusions afloat. (You might want to sink your own illusions, as well.) Consider yourself armed with Ernest Hemingway’s “built-in, shock-resistant bulls— detector.” Beginning immediately, be an elegant but in-your-face Reality Check. Don’t just tell the truth. Tell the lush, pulsating, up-to-the-minute truth. And be aware that even the dry facts may be evolving pretty fast. What seems like incontrovertible evidence today may be puny propaganda tomorrow.

LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I usually applaud your inclination to remain above the fray and churn out astute observations. I normally honor your instinct to distance yourself from petty partisan squabbles. But this week’s different. For the foreseeable future, I’d like it very much if you dive into the pit with the other diehards and fight with hard-nosed audacity for what you believe is the beautiful truth. At least temporarily, Libra, forget about your graceful talent for tactful compromise. I think it’s time for you to be a warrior who’s ferociously devoted to a just cause.

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

On behalf of all the other signs, I’d like to express our gratitude for the jump-starts you Scorpios give us. The jolts aren’t always bliss-inducing, true, but in retrospect we often say, “Thanks, I really needed that.” We also appreciate the debates you embroil us in. They force us to take stands on issues we’ve been wishy-washy about. Our gratitude also goes out to you for those times you help us lose our excessive self-importance. It’s hard to cling to our pretensions with you around, and it’s easier to get to the root of the truth. Keep up the good work. Continue to be your warm, prickly self, even in the face of protests from faint hearts. Know that at least some of your fans out here respect the way you push us and trick us and inspire us to go places we don’t even realize we’ll benefit from going.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

During his time in hiding, the Biblical prophet Elijah was kept alive by ravens who brought him food. John the Baptist survived on nothing but honey and locusts when he was roaming the wilderness. And I’m sure that some unexpected source of comfort and sustenance will likewise turn up during your wanderings, Sagittarius. It may not be what you’re used to. You might even have to cultivate a taste for nourishment that seems foreign. But stick with it. You could learn to love it, and in the process become less dependent on stuff you thought you couldn’t do without.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Burn the Book of Love you’ve been using these past few years, Capricorn, even if you just do it metaphorically. Don’t think of the incineration as censorship. Think of it as liberating yourself from the tyranny of fables that have programmed you to accept less love than you deserve and give less love than you have to give. Imagine that you’re ready for a riper approach to the knotty riddles of the heart. And when you’re done with the burning, go in search of a brand new Book of Love. Better yet, write that holy text yourself. A good title might be “Love Doesn’t Conquer All, but 60 Percent Isn’t Bad.” A bad title would be “Love Doesn’t Suck.”

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You should closely monitor your environment for beguiling appearances of the number seven. I have reason to believe that seven may be involved in your current inconveniences and dilemmas. I theorize that seven has been trying to call attention to itself in an odd or irritating manner so as to get you to tune in to certain benefits that could be associated with the number seven — benefits you’ve been overlooking. I would even go so far as to speculate that seven may be both the cause of and the cure for your itch. Be especially alert for sevens that are in the vicinity of the color green or the letter G. Perk up your intuition anytime seven appears in advertisements, boxes of food, tattoos or T-shirts.

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t concern yourself with praying to the gods of luck and chance. I’ll take care of that for you. Your job is to solicit the favor of the gods of diligence and discipline. Why? Because I think you’ve got a lot of good work ahead of you — work that will take ingenious attention to detail — and you’re going to need the extra boost those gods can provide. Of course, their help won’t be enough. You will also have to draw on extra reserves of your willpower in order to express new heights of determination and persistence. Together, you and those no-nonsense deities will be an unbeatable team. The better you organize yourself, the more they will help you get organized. The stronger you push to make your efforts crisp and efficient, the easier they’ll make it for you to do just that.

Homework: In what part of your life are you doing less than your best? Why? FreeWillAstrology.com.

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

ARIES
(March 21-April 19):

I fear you’re on the verge of slipping into a state of mind that wants everything and is therefore in danger of getting nothing. I worry that you’ll be lusting for such total control over so much wild sweetness that you won’t actually formulate a foolproof plan to commune with even a pinch of that sweetness. Let’s see if we can motivate you to overthrow this state of mind. Let’s try to coax you into devising a precise strategy to assemble paradise piece by piece.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20):

Cuckoo birds build no nests of their own. Instead, they rely on trickery to raise their young. The female cuckoo lays her eggs in the nest of a host whose eggs are similar in size and color. The host, often a sparrow, cares for the cuckoo’s eggs as her own, and usually rears the hatchlings until they reach maturity. Does this behavior ring a bell? I suspect that something analogous is unfolding in your world. I’m alerting you to the situation so that you will be fully informed as you decide how to proceed. (P.S. I’m not saying this is a bad thing; just want you to acknowledge the truth.)

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):

I hate to admit it, but love is not always enough to solve every problem. On some occasions you need love, clever insights, strategic maneuvers and fierce determination. In my astrological opinion, this is one of those times. Take a moment right now to shush the grumbling dialogue you keep having with yourself about what’s fair and what you deserve. Save all that mental energy for the work of fighting like hell for the fair share you deserve. Oh, and while you’re fighting like hell, don’t forget to be as strategic as Gandhi, as loving as Einstein, and as fiercely determined as Jack Black, Ben Stiller and Sarah Silverman combined.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22):

I invite you to write down brief descriptions of the five most pleasurable moments you’ve ever experienced in your life. Let your imagination dwell lovingly on these memories for, say, 20 minutes. And keep them close to the surface of your awareness in the week ahead. If you ever catch yourself slipping into a negative train of thought, interrupt it immediately and compel yourself to fantasize about those Big Five Ecstatic Moments. This exercise will be an excellent way to prime yourself for a New Age of Unhurried Bliss and Gentle Beauty, which I predict is just ahead for you. If you can keep the morose part of your mind quiet, there’s a good chance you will stir up a new ecstatic experience that will belong near the top of your all-time list.

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22):

Welcome to your aromatherapy workshop, Leo. We’ll be using imaginary scents because, frankly, sometimes fantasy yields better results than the real thing. (Especially for you right now; keep that in mind as you deal with other situations in your life.) For your first exercise, imagine the aromas of eucalyptus and vinegar. That’ll clear your head of static, creating a nice big empty space for your fresh assignment to come pouring in from the future. Next, imagine the fragrance of hot buttered popcorn. It will make you more receptive to the outside help that has been trying and trying and trying to attract your attention. Have you ever taken a new computer out of the box? Remember that smell? Simulate it now. In your subconscious mind, it will awaken the expectation that the next chapter of your life story is about to begin.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

O ye of little faith: Do ye not understand that the events of mid-July through mid-August of 2009 are but the fruition of seeds ye planted in September, October and November of last year? Do not thank or blame the gods, but only thyself, for the destiny that is upon ye. Now please prepare to assume thy new goodies and perks, O favored one, as well as thy new temptations and headaches, with full knowledge that ye are receiving the exact rewards and responsibilities ye earned many months ago.

LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Sometimes this job of mine grinds me down with a heavy sense of responsibility. Am I doing the right thing by divulging so many cosmic secrets? Do people use my advice in good ways? This week I’m especially tormented. Would it be ethical of me to reveal that you could dig a hot tip out of a wastebasket, or that you could prosper because of someone else’s foolishness? Or how about if I disclosed that you’ve temporarily acquired a dicey edge over a competitor who’s previously kicked your butt? And would it be mean of me to suggest that you shouldn’t share a vast idea with a half-vast person? I guess I’ll just have to trust that you’ll show maximum integrity in using all of this inside dope.

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

There goes your exaggerated respect for warped chunks of complications. Here comes an opportunity to make a break for bubbly freedom. To take advantage, Scorpio, you’ll need to travel much lighter. So please peel off your armor. Wipe that 40-pound sneer of doubt off your face. Bury your broken-down theories by the side of the path, and donate all your unnecessary props to the birds and the bees. Strip down, in other words, to the bare minimum. Where you’re going, all you’ll need are your good looks and a big fresh attitude.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

Don’t leave me hanging, Sagittarius. What happens next? How could you even imagine you’ve wrapped the whole thing up? According to my analysis, you’ve got at least one more riddle to solve, one more gift to negotiate, one more scar to wish upon. (Yes, that says "scar," not "star.") To stop pushing for more adventure at this pregnant moment would be a crime against nature and a whole chapter short of a bestseller. Get out there and bring this story home.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

It makes me famished just to think of you there stewing in your hunger. You almost remind me of a bear that’s just awoke from hibernation, or a political prisoner who’s been on a hunger strike. And yet I know it’s not a craving for food that you’re suffering from. It’s not even an impossible yearning for sex or fame or power or money, either. You’re starving, you’re ravenous, you’re mad for something you don’t have a name for — something whose existence you don’t fully understand and can’t quite imagine. But I predict you’ll uncover a fuller truth about this thing very soon, and then you’ll be more than halfway toward gratifying your hunger.  

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

If I were your daddy, I’d take you mountain-climbing or buy you a three-week intensive class in the foreign tongue of your choice. If I were your president, I’d give you a Purple Heart for your undercover heroism and make you ambassador to Italy. If I were your therapist, I’d send you on a pilgrimage to a sanctuary where all the people mean exactly what they say. But I’m merely your five-minutes-a-week consultant, so all I can really do is say, "Escape the cramped quarters of your own mind. Slip away from the corners you’ve been backed into. Stop telling the convoluted stories you’ve concocted to rationalize why you should be afraid. Get out of the loop and escape into the big, fresh places that will rejuvenate your eyes and heart."

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20):

Long-standing myths are on the verge of mutating. Stories that have remained fixed for years are about to acquire unexpected wrinkles. The effects may be pretty spectacular. I suspect it’ll be the equivalent of Sleeping Beauty waking up from her long sleep without the help of the prince’s kiss, or like Little Red Riding Hood devouring the wolf instead of vice versa. There’s something you can do, Pisces, to ensure that the new versions of the old tales are more empowering than the originals: For the foreseeable future, take on the demeanor and spirit of a noble warrior with high integrity and a fluid sense of humor.

Homework: Make a guess about the most important bit of self-knowledge you’re still ignorant about. Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

ARIES
(March 21-April 19):

Miracle of miracles: A pointless pain in the butt will soon stop bugging you. Meanwhile, an annoying itch in your heart is subsiding, and may even disappear. As a result of these happy developments, you will be able to concentrate on a much more interesting and provocative torment that has been waiting impatiently for your loving attention. Actually, it’s an ancient torment dressed up in a new package. But as before, it’s a torment you’ve never had the right name for. That’s about to change, however. You’re finally ready to find the right name for it, and when you do, you’ll be halfway toward a permanent cure.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20):

When he was growing up, the father of basketball superstar Pat Riley forced him to play basketball with kids who were stronger and tougher than he was. He said it forged his son into a winner. I can see the principle at work, but it doesn’t come naturally to me. In my efforts to provide you with the parenting you missed as a kid, I’ve always preferred a gentler, more nurturing approach. Nevertheless, the time has come to override my personal desires for the sake of your character-building needs. I recommend that you force yourself to play with grown-up kids who’re stronger and tougher than you.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):

I wouldn’t get too agitated about the supposed "writing on the wall" if I were you. The handwriting is not God’s, for God’s sake. It’s not even that of a wise elder or young genius. So don’t attribute too much authority to it, please. It’s just the opinion of someone who doesn’t know any more about the ultimate truth than you do. So I suggest you cover it up with black spray paint and then carefully inscribe your own version of the writing on the wall. Reality is especially malleable right now, so the most forcefully expressed prophecy will probably come true.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22):

I believe that when you chatter carelessly about a big change that’s in the works, you’re in danger of draining it of some of its potency. So I don’t want to trumpet or gossip about the gift that’s on its way to you. I’ll just mention that it’s coming, and urge you to prepare a clean, well-lit place for it to land. Here’s a hint: It could, among other things, help you convert one of your vulnerabilities into a strength or inspire you to start transforming an area of ignorance into a future source of brilliance.

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22):

At the farmers market, an escape artist performed in the middle of the street. As a crowd gawked, he had two big strong men tie him up tight in a straitjacket and 50 feet of chain. For the next 20 minutes he shimmied and contorted and bent over backwards. His face grew red and sweaty. There were no Houdini-like magic tricks. There were no puffs of smoke or magic boxes or mirrors or distracting assistants. He rarely spoke as the ordeal progressed, but in the end, after the last of the chains slipped off and he wrestled his way out of the straitjacket, he said simply, "Now I invite all of you to go home and use what I just did as a metaphor for your life." It was a supremely sexy performance, and I realized maybe it would help you with your current situation.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

Your concentration for dicey assignments, like conquering fear and adversity, is sharp. And I bet you’ll summon a lot of stamina and resourcefulness if you’re pressed to solve a crucial riddle during a turning point in your own personal hero’s journey. On the other hand, humdrum details have the potential to flummox you, especially if they involve tasks you’re not even that interested in or committed to. The moral of the story: Banish absent-mindedness by keeping yourself focused on only the most riveting challenges.

LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

The sky will not start falling. But something resembling heavenly tokens may cascade down with such frequency that you’ll be wise to keep looking up a lot. You never know when another piece of the blessed puzzle will come raining down. And it would be a shame to suffer the embarrassment of having your favorable fortune knock you over. Who’d ever have guessed that a shower of good news would be such a tricky trial?

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

How well are you capitalizing on this year’s unique opportunities, Scorpio? Since we’re midway through 2009, let’s take an inventory. I hope that by now, you have at least begun building the power spot or energy source that will serve as your foundation for the coming years. So much the better if it’s more than halfway finished and will be ready for full use by the end of summer or early fall. Remember my promises: Life has been and will continue to be conspiring to get you settled in your ideal home base, supercharge your relationships with your closest allies, and connect you with the resources that will fuel your long-term quest.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

In the Middle Ages, people became adults when they turned 7 years old. These days, the threshold is much later. I’m happy about that. In my view, the longer you can hold on to your playful irreverence and innocent lust for life, the better. Still, there is value in taking on the kinds of responsibilities that help you express yourself with grace and power. So I don’t mean to rush you, but it might be time to take a step toward being on the verge of tiptoeing to the brink of preparing to accept more adulthood into your heart. You could make the process less harrowing by hanging out with those rare wise guys and wise girrrls who’ve survived the transition to greater maturity and a higher degree of professionalism with their youthful flair more or less intact.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

I don’t care what you feel this week, as long as you don’t feel nothing. Get inflamed with hunger or justice or sadness or beauty or love, but don’t submit to apathy. Don’t let yourself be shunted into numbness. You can’t afford to be cut off from the source of your secret self, even if it means having to feel like hell for a while. And the odd thing is that if you’re willing to go through hell, you won’t have to go through hell. So to hell with your poker face and neutrality and dispassionate stance. Be a wild thing, not a mild thing.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

The Iliad is an ancient Greek epic poem that describes events near the end of the Trojan War. Most modern critics regard it as a foundation stone of Western literature. In my opinion, though, it’s mostly just a gruesome tale of macho haters who are inflamed with pride, treat women like property, and can’t stop killing each other. I share the perspective of poet Diane di Prima, who once had a dream in which the Iliad was cast as gangsta rap. Now please adopt the style of our critique for use in your own life, Aquarius. What supposedly noble or important situation is actually pretty trivial or clichéd? It’s time for you to tell the truth about the hype.

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20):

"May you live in interesting times." That old toast is actually a droll curse meant to be heaped upon an enemy. "Interesting" implies rapid change, rampant uncertainty and constant adjustment. What’s preferable is to live during a boring era when stability reigns. Or so the argument goes. But I reject that line of thought. I celebrate the fact that we’re embroiled in interesting times. I proclaim our struggles to navigate the sharp turns and uphill climbs to be a jubilee of the first degree. What fantastic luck it is to be on the planet when everything mutates! May we be up to the task of bringing heaven down to earth. May we be worthy of the trust the universe is placing in us. Now get out there, Pisces, and enjoy the hell out of the epic and entertaining drama we’re stewarding. This is your time to be a leader and a luminary.

Homework: Write a parable or fairy tale about what your life has been like so far in 2009. FreeWillAstrology.com.

 

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

ARIES
(March 21-April 19):

Time to diversify your energy sources, Aries. It’s as if you’ve grown too dependent on oil — metaphorically speaking — and have neglected to develop relationships with wind turbines, solar panels, natural gas and other mans of generating power. What if in the future — metaphorically speaking — oil becomes scarcer or wildly expensive? And what if, over the long haul, its byproducts degrade your environment? I suggest you start now to expand the variety of fuels you tap into. It’s a perfect moment to adjust your plans for your long-term energy needs.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20):

Your mirror may lie to you this week. A friend might neglect to share a crucial detail. Even pets and heroes and normally reliable suppliers might not be completely there for you. Fortunately, I expect that secondary sources will come through. Other people’s mirrors may reveal a clue you haven’t been able to find in your own. An acquaintance could step forward and do a convincing impersonation of a friend. And a previously overlooked or unknown connection might become your own personal wellspring. Moral of the story: If you’re willing to be flexible and forswear all impulses to blame, you won’t be deprived of what you need.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):

Having discovered I can read the minds of animals, I’ve started a new sideline as a ghostwriter. Here’s an excerpt from an interview I did with Prestige, a potbellied pig born under the sign of Gemini. Brezsny: What do you like best about being a potbellied pig? Prestige: I’m greedy but cute. I get to eat like a pig, yet not be victimized by the negative judgments people usually project onto pigs. Brezsny: Is there anything you’re worried about? Prestige: I need to make my caretaker understand that for the next few weeks, we Geminis will need more than the usual amounts of food, love, presents, praise, attention, everything. Brezsny: Anything you’d like to say to my Gemini readers? Prestige: Don’t let anybody make you feel guilty for wanting what you want.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22):

The ancient Chinese sage Lao Tse said, "People of the highest caliber, upon hearing about Taoism, follow it and practice it immediately. People of average caliber, hearing about Taoism, reflect for a while and then experiment. People of the lowest caliber, hearing about Taoism, let out a big laugh." Now substitute the words "your splashy new ideas" for "Taoism" in Lao Tse’s quote, and you’ll have your horoscope for this week, Cancerian. For added punch, remember what he said in another context: "No idea can be considered valuable until a thousand people have laughed at it."

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22):

Nietzsche’s dictum might be useful for you to keep in mind right now, Leo: "If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger." Since I’m very sure that the turbulent waters through which you’re navigating will not kill you, I’m looking forward to all the ways this journey will upgrade your confidence and enhance your power. But there’s more to be gained, beyond what Nietzsche formulated. It’s also true that if it doesn’t kill you (which it won’t), it will make you wilder and kinder and smarter and more beautiful.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

According to my projections, you will not, in the coming weeks, meet a dark, secretive stranger who’ll play you like a violin. Nor will you be lured to the warehouse district after midnight to pick up the "missing stuff." And I highly doubt that you will be invited to join a cult that’s conspiring to seize political power following the events of December 21, 2012. No, Virgo. Your fate is far more mundane than that. In fact, it’s more likely that you will soon meet a bright, forthright stranger who will play you like an accordion. You will be drawn to a convenient location at midday to pick up the "missing stuff." And you will be invited to become part of a group that has the potential to play a significant role in your quest for meaning in the coming years.

LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

For years, I’ve remembered most of my dreams every night, so I’m good at spotting trends. And one of the themes that has arisen recently involves you Libras. Last week, I dreamed that three of my Libra friends were pole vaulting at the Olympics. Four nights ago, I dreamed that my two favorite Libran astrologers were rappelling up a skyscraper. Last night, I dreamed that four Libran celebrities — Mahatma Gandhi, Gwen Stefani, Sacha Baron Cohen (aka Borat) and Kate Winslet — climbed a gold ladder to a cafe on a cloud where they drank magic coffee that made wings sprout on their backs. So what’s going on? Is my subconscious telling me that it’s prime time for you to raise your expectations and upgrade your goals? Do my dreams mean you should rise above the conventional wisdom and rededicate yourself to your loftiest ambitions? What do you think?

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

Spiritual epiphany alert! Uncanny revelations imminent! Hope you don’t mind being awoken in the middle of your regularly scheduled life by a special delivery from the Great Beyond. Yes, my cute little bundle of rumbling feelings and psychic sensitivities: It doesn’t matter if you’re a true believer or an unrepentant infidel — you will soon be invited to have one of your logical certainties torn out by the roots and replaced with a throbbing vision of cosmic whoopee. Brace yourself for the most pungent fun you’ve had since your last mudwrestle with the angel.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

While appearing on the TV show "I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here," ex-pro basketball player John Salley gave some advice I’d like to pass along. "When you see crazy coming your way," he philosophized, "you should cross the street." I do think crazy will be headed in your direction sometime soon, Sagittarius, and the best response you can make is to avoid it altogether, preferably in a way that it doesn’t notice you. That’s right: Don’t shout at crazy, don’t bolt away ostentatiously, and certainly don’t run up and give crazy a big hug. There are far better ways for you to gather in your fair share of intriguing mystery; I’d hate to see you get bogged down in a useless, inferior version of it.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

Everyone wants an extra piece of you these days, and they don’t necessarily care about how it will affect you. So beware of emotional manipulation, subliminal seduction, and the temptation to believe in impossible promises. To make matters more extreme, I suspect you may be secretly pleased that everyone wants an extra piece of you — and might be tempted to conspire in your own dismantling. Let me propose a compromise. How about letting three trustworthy people — no more — take an extra piece of you? And be very certain that they have enough self-control to know when to stop taking.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

You’re almost never one brick short of a load. Know what I’m saying? Your elevator almost always goes all the way to the top floor. Rarely, if ever, do I have to warn you against playing with a deck of 51 cards. So I hope you won’t be offended when I say that it’s time to find that missing brick and service your elevator and buy a new deck. In other words, you’re due for your 40,000 mile check-up.

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20):

magic  (ma’ jik), n. 1. A mysterious event or process that seemingly refutes the known laws of science. 2. A willed transformation of one’s own state of mind. 3. A surprising triumph that exceeds all expectations. 4. Something that works, though no one understands why. 5. The impossible becoming possible.  6. "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." (Arthur C. Clarke.) 7. A quality predominant in the lives of Pisceans during the period July 1 through July 20, 2009.

Homework: Send testimonies about how you’ve redeemed the dark side to: Sex Laugh, uaregod@comcast.net.

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