Is it that time of year already? 2011 has blown by with its usual volume of movie releases, most of which have about as much appeal as sucking juice from a dry lemon. Of course, there are Oscar contenders and there are Pompey contenders. I don’t have to tell you that Oscar is bigger and gets more press, but my picks come with better titles.
Best Film Featuring Cars Loaded With Hunky-Looking Guys
Tie: Drive and Fast Five
Both have great cars. Both can do tremendous damage at high rates of speed. Depends on whether you like your men slim or meaty.
Best Film With Hot, Fighting Divas
I’d like to know if you’ve ever seen a film filled with more sexy ladies who can fight and sing at the same time. Could this actually be an MTV reality series?
Best Film With a Lizard
Kind of like watching Disney nature films on acid. Depp truly channels his inner lizard here. Get out your pen and paper and keep track of all the movies this film pays tribute to. The guys who made this film — they’re good.
Best Film With a Panda Bear
Kung Fu Panda 2
I love this bear! He’s pudgy, hungry and very cute. And he knows kung fu, sort of. He gives me hope that bigger bears, er, guys, can be adorable. Plus, he and I have the same lovely tummy.
Best Film by the Long-Absent Woody Allen
Midnight in Paris
It’s been so long since Allen gave us a good comedy, and it’s all shot in Paris. A veritable travelogue to help you plan a vacation, if you actually wanted a vacation where you caught a Parisian cab and traveled back in time.
Best Film That Finally Finishes Off Harry Potter
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Gasp! Our long Harry Potter ordeal is finished. Imagine what these kids have been through just to entertain us (besides getting rich). Doesn’t seem fair.
Best Film About Baseball That’s Actually About Baseball
It’s right there in the title. You can’t miss it. The 2002 Oakland Athletics, so cheap even their bats were rusty. Still, thanks to Brad Pitt and company, they now have their very own biopic. If you don’t like baseball, don’t worry. Just enjoy Brad Pitt.
Best Film That Refuses to Behave Itself
Tree of Life
If you’re so over watching films with regular plots and dialogue, here is your alternative. This film is like swimming with the real God in the prehistoric universe. Forget the plot, the dialogue, the actors. Be one with the globby orb up on the screen. Ommmm.
Best Film About Wall Street Scumbaggers and Their Evil Minions
Want to get really boiling mad and start rioting in the streets of New York? I dare you to watch this film and not want to punch somebody. OK, so it’s fiction, but is it, really? I couldn’t tell the difference.
Best Film With a Flamethrower
Are you a closet arsonist who lika da fire? This little locally produced film (shot in Ventura, Oxnard and Camarillo) will scratch that itch. Far and away the best flame-throwing movie of the year. Probably the only flame-throwing movie of the year, but so what? It’s like watching an actual hallucination in progress.