Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

 

ARIES
(March 21-April 19):
I have coined a new word just for your horoscope this week. It’s “zex,” short for “zen sex.” Zex is a kind of sex in which your mind is at rest, empty of all thoughts. You breathe slowly and calmly, move slowly and calmly, grunt and moan slowly and calmly. You are completely detached from the sensual pleasure you are experiencing. You have no goals other than the intention to be free of all goals. Zex is the ONLY variety of sex I recommend for you right now, Aries. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Zex may be fine to practice at any other time, but not these days. The style of sex you need most is exuberant, unbridled, expansive and even zany.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20):
In Somalia, there’s a law that forbids you from putting your used chewing gum on your nose and walking around in public. Fortunately, you don’t live there, so it’s fine if you want to do that. In fact, I encourage you to go right ahead. To do so would be right in alignment with the cosmic omens. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You should definitely not take yourself too seriously this week; you should look for opportunities to playfully lose your dignity and razz the status quo. But there are craftier ways to do that than by sticking gum on your nose.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):
Tata Massage is a salon in San Francisco that provides an unusual beauty treatment: face-slapping. The Thai masseuse named Tata claims to be improving your complexion as she smacks your cheeks and forehead with her hands. She also does “massage boxing” in which she administers health-giving punches to your body with her fists. Is there a comparable service available where you live? I highly recommend it. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Here’s the truth: You should be absolutely firm that you won’t tolerate whacks and wallops — including the psychological kind — even if they are supposedly good for you.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22):
Now would be an excellent time to launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend or make a beautiful thing that will last for a thousand years. I’m talking about an amazing marvel or useful innovation or unique creation that will improve the lives of countless humans all over the planet for the next 40 generations. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a bit. Producing something that will last a thousand years is too ambitious. How about if you simply launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend or create a beautiful thing that will last for the rest of your long life — an amazing marvel or useful innovation or unique creation that will continue to teach and amuse you all along the way?

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22):
Your patron saint for the next three months is surrealistic artist Salvador Dali. Regard him as your muse and role model. In fact, you might want to spout some of his famous declarations as if they were your own. Start with these: 1. “The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.” 2. “I do not take drugs; I am drugs.” 3. “Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature.” 4. “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. Salvador Dali is your patron saint, role model and muse for only the next 14 days, not three months.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You know how Jesus could supposedly turn water into wine? Well, St. Brigid, a sixth-century Irish nun, was legendary for an even greater miracle. When visitors came to her monastery in Kildare, she changed her old bathwater into beer for them to drink. I think there’s a good chance you will develop that precise talent sometime soon. APRIL FOOL! I kind of lied. You won’t really possess St. Brigid’s supernatural power. You will, however, have an uncanny ability to make transmutations that are almost as dramatic as changing bathwater to beer.


LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
The band Rush was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last May. Guitarist Alex Lifeson delivered an unusual acceptance speech. For the two minutes he spoke, he repeated one word endlessly: “blah.” “Blah-blah-blah,” he began. “Blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah.” Many hand gestures and shifting vocal inflections accompanied his rap, always in support of variations on “blah-blah.” This is the spirit you should bring to all of your important conversations in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s crucial for you to speak very precisely and articulately in the coming week. Say exactly what you mean. Don’t rely on meaningless bullsh– like “blah-blah.”

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
When a human embryo begins to develop in the womb, the very first body part that appears is — can you guess? — the anus. This scientific fact led the witty commentators at QI.com to declare that “Every human being starts out as an assh—.” They were making a joke, of course, hinting that every one of us has an unattractive quality or two that make each of us at least a little bit of a jerk. That’s the bad news, Scorpio. The good news is that you now have an unprecedented chance to transform the assh— aspects of your personality. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You’re not an assh—, not even a little bit. But it is true that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to try to fix or at least modulate your least attractive qualities.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
To be in strict compliance with cosmic necessity, you should attend a party every day in the coming week. Dance ecstatically, make love abundantly, and expose yourself to previously unknown pleasures. Feast on a wide variety of food and drink that introduce you to novel tastes. Make sure you experience record levels of sensual enjoyment, nonstop excitement and dynamic socializing. APRIL FOOL! I’m exaggerating, although just a little. Try doing a 70-percent version of what I advised.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Lifehacker.com has a step-by-step guide to set up your home as a command center where you can pursue your plans for world domination. The article provides advice on how to build a surveillance system, encrypt your computer files and prepare for blackouts and weather emergencies. Do it, Capricorn! Get the lowdown at http://bit.ly/secretlair. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You don’t really need to create a high-tech fortress. But you would be wise to make your home into more of an ultra-comfortable, super-inspiring sanctuary — a place where you feel so safe and strong and smart that you will always have total power over yourself and never feel driven to fulfill anyone else’s standards of success but your own.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
The planetary omens suggest that you need to experience all possible flavors of Doritos corn chips. Here’s the problem: The place where you live offers only a limited range. That’s why I urge you to drop everything and travel to Japan, which is the world leader in Dorito variety. There you can sample coconut curry-flavored Doritos, along with fried chicken, corn soup, smoked bacon, tuna and mayonnaise, and many others. Buy your plane ticket now! APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will benefit from communing with a wide variety of sensations and experiences and ideas in many areas of your life, not just Doritos.


PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20):
According to a survey by Public Policy Polling, 4 percent of the population believes that “shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies.” My own research suggests that 62 percent of those believers are Pisceans. Are you one? If so, now is a good time to intensify your fight against the shape-shifting reptilian people. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, I strongly encourage you NOT to feed your paranoid delusions and fearful reveries. This should be a time when you bolster your positive fantasies, constructive visions and inspiring dreams.

Homework: Describe what you’d be like if you were the opposite of yourself. Write Freewillastrology.com.

Go to RealAstrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES. The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

 

ARIES
(March 21-April 19):
“When you plant seeds in the garden, you don’t dig them up every day to see if they have sprouted yet,” says Buddhist nun Thubten Chodron. “You simply water them and clear away the weeds; you know that the seeds will grow in time.” That’s sound advice for you, Aries. You are almost ready to plant the metaphorical seeds that you will be cultivating in the coming months. Having faith should be a key element in your plans for them. You’ve got to find a way to shut down any tendencies you might have to be an impatient control freak. Your job is simply to give your seeds a good start and provide them with the persistent follow-up care they will need.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20):
”Thank you, disillusionment,” says Alanis Morissette in her song “Thank U.” “Thank you, frailty,” she continues. “Thank you, nothingness. Thank you, silence.” I’d love to hear you express that kind of gratitude in the coming days, Taurus. Please understand that I don’t think you will be experiencing a lot of disillusionment, frailty, nothingness and silence. Not at all. What I do suspect is that you will be able to see, more clearly than ever before, how you have been helped and blessed by those states in the past. You will understand how creatively they motivated you to build strength, resourcefulness, willpower and inner beauty.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):
I bet your support system will soon be abuzz with fizzy mojo and good mischief. Your web of contacts is about to get deeper and feistier and prettier. Pounce, Gemini, pounce! Summon extra clarity and zest as you communicate your vision of what you want. Drum up alluring tricks to attract new allies and inspire your existing allies to assist you better. If all goes as I expect it to, business and pleasure will synergize better than they have in a long time. You will boost your ambitions by socializing, and you will sweeten your social life by plying your ambitions.

CANCER
(June 21-July 22):
During her 98 years on the planet, Barbara Cartland wrote 723 romance novels that together sold a billion copies. What was the secret of her success? Born under the sign of Cancer the Crab, she knew how productive she could be if she was comfortable. Many of her work sessions took place while she reclined on her favorite couch covered with a white fur rug, her feet warmed with a hot water bottle. As her two dogs kept her company, she dictated her stories to her secretary. I hope her formula for success inspires you to expand and refine your own personal formula — and then apply it with zeal during the next eight weeks. What is the exact nature of the comforts that will best nourish your creativity?

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22):
The Google Ngram Viewer is a tool that scans millions of books to map how frequently a particular word is used over the course of time. For instance, it reveals that “impossible” appears only half as often in books published in the 21st century as it did in books from the year 1900. What does this mean? That fantastic and hard-to-achieve prospects are less impossible than they used to be? I don’t know, but I can say this with confidence: If you begin fantastic and hard-to-achieve prospects sometime soon, they will be far less impossible than they used to be.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
The Tibetan mastiff is a large canine species with long golden hair. If you had never seen a lion and were told that this dog was a lion, you might be fooled. And that’s exactly what a zoo in Luohe, China, did. It tried to pass off a hearty specimen of a Tibetan mastiff as an African lion. Alas, a few clever zoo-goers saw through the charade when the beast started barking. Now I’ll ask you, Virgo: Is there anything comparable going on in your environment? Are you being asked to believe that a big dog is actually a lion, or the metaphorical equivalent?

LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
In T. S. Eliot’s poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” the narrator seems tormented about the power of his longing. “Do I dare to eat a peach?” he asks. I wonder what he’s thinking. Is the peach too sweet, too juicy, too pleasurable for him to handle? Is he in danger of losing his self-control and dignity if he succumbs to the temptation? What’s behind his hesitation? In any case, Libra, don’t be like Prufrock in the coming weeks. Get your finicky doubts out of the way as you indulge your lust for life with extra vigor and vivacity. Hear what I’m saying? Refrain from agonizing about whether or not you should eat the peach. Just go ahead and eat it.

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Born under the sign of Scorpio, Neil Young has been making music professionally for more than 45 years. He has recorded 35 albums and is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. In early 1969, three of his most famous songs popped out of his fertile imagination on the same day. He was sick with the flu and running a 103-degree fever when he wrote “Cowgirl in the Sand,” “Cinnamon Girl” and “Down by the River.”  I suspect you may soon experience a milder version of this mythic event, Scorpio. At a time when you’re not feeling your best, you could create a thing of beauty that will last a long time, or initiate a breakthrough that will send ripples far into the future.


SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
There should be nothing generic or normal or routine about this week, Sagittarius. If you drink beer, for example, you shouldn’t stick to your usual brew. You should track down and drink the hell out of exotic beers with brand names like Tactical Nuclear Penguin and Ninja vs. Unicorn and Doctor Morton’s Clown Poison. And if you’re a lipstick user, you shouldn’t be content to use your old standard, but should instead opt for kinky types like Sapphire Glitter Bomb, Alien Moon Goddess, and Cackling Black Witch. As for love, it wouldn’t make sense to seek out romantic adventures you’ve had a thousand times before. You need and deserve something like wild sacred eternal ecstasy or screaming sweaty flagrant bliss or blasphemously reverent waggling rapture.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Actor Gary Oldman was born and raised in London. In the course of his long career he has portrayed a wide range of characters who speak English with American, German and Russian accents. He has also lived in Los Angeles for years. When he signed on to play a British intelligent agent in the 2011 film Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, he realized that over the years he had lost some of his native British accent. He had to take voice lessons to restore his original pronunciations. I suspect you have a metaphorically comparable project ahead of you, Capricorn. It may be time to get back to where you once belonged.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Every now and then, you’re blessed with a small miracle that inspires you to see everyday things with new vision. Common objects and prosaic experiences get stripped of their habitual expectations, allowing them to become almost as enchanting to you as they were before numb familiarity set in. The beloved people you take for granted suddenly remind you of why you came to love them in the first place. Boring acquaintances may reveal sides of themselves that are quite entertaining. So are you ready and eager for just such an outbreak of curiosity and a surge of fun surprises? If you are, they will come. If you’re not, they won’t.

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20):
Before she died, Piscean actress Elizabeth Taylor enjoyed more than 79 years of life on this gorgeous, maddening planet. But one aptitude she never acquired in all that time was the ability to cook a hard-boiled egg. Is there a pocket of ignorance in your own repertoire that rivals this lapse, Pisces? Are there any fundamental life skills that you probably should have learned by now? If so, now would be a good time to get to work on mastering them.

Homework: What was the pain that healed you most? Testify at http://FreeWillAstrology.com.

Go to RealAstrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES. The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

 

ARIES
(March 21-April 19):
“There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one.” So says a character in Kazuo Ishiguro’s novel The Unconsoled. At this juncture in your life story, Aries, it might be healing for you to make a similar declaration. Now is an excellent moment to say a final goodbye to plot twists that you wished would have happened but never did. To do so will free up stuck energy that will then become available for future projects. You may even awaken to exciting possibilities you haven’t imagined yet.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20):
In May 2011, two Nepali men reached the top of Mount Everest after a six-week climb. Lakpa Tsheri Sherpa and Sano Babu Sunuwar had prepared an unprecedented way to get back down off the mountain. Strapping themselves to a single parachute, they leaped off and paraglided for 45 minutes, landing near a Sherpa village thousands of feet below the summit. I suggest you look around for a metaphorical version of a shortcut like that, Taurus. Don’t do the next part of the journey the same way you did the previous phase. Take a more direct route. Enjoy an alternate adventure. Give yourself a fresh challenge.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):
Seeking wisdom and chasing after pleasure are polar opposites, right? You must devote yourself to either one or the other, correct? You can be an enlightened servant of the greater good or else an exuberant hedonist in quest of joy, but not both. True? No. No. No. False. Wrong. Here’s the bigger truth: Now and then, grace periods come along when you can become smarter and kinder by exploring the mysteries of feeling really good. Can you guess when the next of these grace periods will arrive for you, Gemini? Here’s the answer: It’s here now!

CANCER
(June 21-July 22):
Humans walked on the moon before anyone ever had the simple idea to put wheels on suitcases. Unbelievable, right? Until 1972, three years after astronauts first walked on the lunar surface, travelers in airports and train stations had to carry and drag wheelless containers full of their belongings. I suspect that a comparable out-of-sequence thing may be going on in your own life, Cancerian. In some ways you are totally up-to-date, and in other ways you are lagging behind. Now would be a good time to identify any discrepancies and start correcting them. Metaphorically speaking, I’d love you to have rolling luggage by the next time you take a journey.

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22):
Have you ever heard of the sasquatch, also known as bigfoot? You know, one of those big, hairy, humanoid beasts that walks upright and lives in dense forests? Scientists assure us that there is no such thing. But then they used to say the same thing about the platypus. It was a myth, they declared; a figment of explorers’ vivid imaginations. A duck-billed, egg-laying mammal simply could not exist. When the respected British zoologist George Shaw claimed there was indeed such a creature, he was mocked by his contemporaries. Eventually, though, the truth emerged and Shaw was vindicated. I suspect that you Leos will soon experience an event akin to the discovery and confirmation that the platypus is real.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Kyoka is a Japanese word that means a flower reflected in a mirror. I suggest you use it as a metaphor to help you understand what’s happening in your life right now. Here are some clues to jumpstart your ruminations. Are you more focused on the image of what you love than on what you love? If so, is there anything wrong with that, or is it perfectly fine? Are you more interested in ephemeral beauty that you can admire from afar than in tangible beauty you can actually touch? If so, is there anything wrong with that, or is it perfectly fine? Should you turn away from a dreamy surrogate and turn toward the real thing? If so, why?


LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
A British researcher poured 300 million facts into a computer program designed to determine the most boring day in history. The winner was April 11, 1954. It was selected because almost nothing important happened except an election in Belgium. I’m wondering if you Libras might reach that level of blah sometime soon. The astrological omens suggest it’s a possibility. And frankly, I hope that’s exactly what happens. You need a break from high adventure and agitated activity. You would benefit from indulging in some downtime that allowed you to luxuriate in silence and stasis. The time has come to recharge your psychic batteries.

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You won’t be the recipient of good luck in the coming days. Nor will you experience bad luck or dumb luck or weird luck. No, Scorpio. The serendipitous slew of synchronicities that will slip and slide into your sphere requires a new word, which I have coined for this occasion. That word is “shluck.” Shluck is a cracked yet plucky sort of backward luck that provides you with an abundance of curious slack. Shluck slings your way a series of happy accidents and curious coincidences that give you experiences you didn’t even realize you needed. To take maximum advantage of shluck’s benefits, you have to dispense with your agendas and drop your expectations.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
In the old fairy tale “Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves,” the poor woodcutter Ali Baba is collecting firewood in the forest when he spies a gang of thieves bragging about their exploits. Observing them from a hiding place, he hears them chant a phrase, “Open sesame.” This magically unseals the opening to a cave that happens to be full of their stolen treasure. Later, when the thieves have departed, Ali Baba goes to the cave and says, “Open sesame” himself. The hocus-pocus works. He slips into the cave and steals a bag of gold from the robbers’ plunder. This story has resemblances to an adventure you could enjoy sometime soon, Sagittarius. I suspect you may discover your own version of “open sesame.” It will give you access to a less literal and more legitimate bounty.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Your ability to heal rifts and bridge gaps is unusually high. You could connect seemingly irreconcilable elements and forge apparently impossible links. Former allies who have become estranged might be moved to bond again through your compassionate intervention. I’m not promising amazingly miraculous feats of unification, but I’m not ruling them out, either. You have a sixth sense about how to create interesting mixtures by applying just the right amount of pressure and offering just the right kind of tenderness.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
My friend Harry said he wanted to teach me to play golf. “Are you kidding?” I asked him incredulously. “The dullest game on the planet?” He tried to convince me that it would provide lots of interesting metaphors I could use in writing horoscopes. “Name one,” I challenged him. He told me that “Volkswagen” is a slang term that describes what happens when a golfer makes an awkward shot that nevertheless turns out to be quite good. “Hmmm,” I replied. “That is exactly the theme I have decided on for the Aquarius horoscope.”

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20):
Do you remember being in your mother’s womb? Probably not. But here’s what I know about that time: In the first few weeks after you were conceived, your body grew at a very rapid rate. Once you were born, if you had continued to expand and develop with that much vigor, you would literally have grown to be as big as a mountain by now. So let’s be thankful you slowed down. But I do want to sound an alert and let you know that you are currently in a growth spurt with some metaphorical resemblances to that original eruption. It’s basically a good thing. Just be aware that you may experience growing pains.

Homework: Name your greatest unnecessary taboo and how you would violate it if it didn’t hurt anyone. www.Freewillastrology.com.

Go to www.RealAstrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES. The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology

 

ARIES
(March 21-April 19):
Are you between jobs? Between romantic partners? Between secure foundations and clear mandates and reasons to get up each morning? Probably at least one of the above. Foggy whirlwinds may be your intimate companions. Being up-in-the-air could be your customary vantage point. During your stay in this weird vacationland, please abstain from making conclusions about its implications for your value as a human being. Remember these words from author Terry Braverman: “It is important to detach our sense of self-worth from transitional circumstances, and maintain perspective on who we are by enhancing our sense of ‘self-mirth.’ “ Whimsy and levity can be your salvation, Aries. Lucky flux should be your mantra.

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20):
The renowned cellist Yo Yo Ma once came to the home of computer pioneer Steve Jobs and performed a private concert. Jobs was deeply touched, and told Ma, “Your playing is the best argument I’ve ever heard for the existence of God, because I don’t really believe a human alone can do this.” Judging from the current astrological omens, Taurus, I’m guessing you will soon experience an equivalent phenomenon: a transcendent expression of love or beauty that moves you to suspect that magic is afoot. Even if you are an atheist, you are likely to feel the primal shiver that comes from having a close brush with enchantment.

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20):
In my dream, I was leading a pep rally for a stadium full of Geminis. “Your intensity brings you great pleasure,” I told them over the public address system. “You seek the company of people who love you to be inspired. You must be appreciated for your enthusiasm, never shamed. Your drive for excellence doesn’t stress you out, it relaxes you. I hereby give you license to laugh even louder and sing even stronger and think even smarter.” By now the crowd was cheering and I was bellowing. “It’s not cool to be cool,” I exulted. “It’s cool to be burning with a white-hot lust for life. You are rising to the next octave. You are playing harder than you have ever played.”

CANCER
(June 21-July 22):
“My old paintings no longer interest me,” said the prolific artist Pablo Picasso when he was 79 years old. “I’m much more curious about those I haven’t done yet.” I realize it might be controversial for me to suggest that you adopt a similar perspective, Cancerian. After all, you are renowned for being a connoisseur of old stories and past glories. One of your specialties is to keep memories alive and vibrant by feeding them with your generous love. To be clear, I don’t mean that you should apologize for or repress those aptitudes. But for now — say, the next three weeks — I invite you to turn your attention toward the exciting things you haven’t done yet.

LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22):
I recommend that you sleep with a special someone whose dreams you’d like to blend with yours. And when I say “sleep with,” I mean it literally; it’s not a euphemism for “have sex with.” To be clear: Making love with this person is fine if that’s what you both want. But my main point is that you will draw unexpected benefits from lying next to this companion as you both wander through the dreamtime. Being in your altered states together will give you inspiration you can’t get any other way. You won’t be sharing information on a conscious level, but that’s exactly the purpose: to be transformed together by what’s flowing back and forth between your deeper minds. For extra credit, collaborate on incubating a dream. Read this: http://tinyurl.com/dreamincubation.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
“One chord is fine,” said rock musician Lou Reed about his no-frills approach to writing songs. “Two chords are pushing it. Three chords and you’re into jazz.” I recommend his perspective to you in the coming weeks, Virgo. Your detail-oriented appreciation of life’s complexity is one of your finest qualities, but every once in a while — like now — you can thrive by stripping down to the basics. This will be especially true about your approach to intimate relationships. For the time being, just assume that cultivating simplicity will generate the blessings you need most.

LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
You Librans haven’t received enough gifts, goodies and compliments lately. For reasons I can’t discern, you have been deprived of your rightful share. It’s not fair! What can you do to rectify this imbalance in the cosmic ledger? How can you enhance your ability to attract the treats you deserve? It’s important that we solve this riddle, since you are entering a phase when your wants and needs will expand and deepen. Here’s what I can offer: I hereby authorize you to do whatever it takes to entice everyone into showering you with bounties, boons and bonuses. To jumpstart this process, shower yourself with bounties, boons and bonuses.

SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
“The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing,” wrote the Roman philosopher Marcus Aurelius more than 1,800 years ago. Is that true for you, Scorpio? Do you experience more strenuous struggle and grunting exertion than frisky exuberance? Even if that’s usually the case, I’m guessing that in the coming weeks your default mode should be more akin to dancing than wrestling. The cosmos has decided to grant you a grace period — on one condition, that is: You must agree to experiment more freely and have more fun that you normally allow yourself.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
For the itch you are experiencing, neither chamomile nor aloe vera will bring you relief. Nor would over-the-counter medications like calamine lotion. No, Sagittarius. Your itch isn’t caused by something as tangible as a rash or hives, and can’t be soothed by any obvious healing agent. It is, shall we say, more in the realm of a soul itch — a prickly tickle that is hard to diagnose, let alone treat. I’m guessing that there may be just one effective cure: Become as still and quiet and empty as you possibly can, and then invite your Future Self to scratch it for you.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
The world is awash in bright, shiny nonsense. Every day we wade through a glare of misinformation and lazy delusions and irrelevant data. It can be hard to locate the few specific insights and ideas that are actually useful and stimulating. That’s the bad news, Capricorn. Here’s the good news: You now have an enhanced ability to ferret out nuggets of data that can actually empower you. You are a magnet for the invigorating truths you really need most.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
If you come up with an original invention, apply for a patent immediately. If you think of a bright idea, put it to work as soon as possible. If you figure out crucial clues that everyone else seems blind to, dispel the general ignorance as quickly as you can. This is a perfect moment for radical pragmatism carried out with expeditious savvy. It’s not a time when you should naively hope for the best with dreamy nonchalance. For the sake of your mental health and for the good of your extended family, be crisp, direct, and forceful.

PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20):
In the 1997 film Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, the lead character announces that “ ‘Danger’ is my middle name.” Ever since, real people in the UK have been legally making “Danger” their middle name with surprising regularity. I think it would be smart fun for you Pisceans to add an innovative element to your identity in the coming days, maybe even a new middle name. But I recommend that you go in a different direction than “Danger.” A more suitable name might be “Changer,” to indicate you’re ready to eagerly embrace change. Or how about “Ranger,” to express a heightened desire to rove and gallivant?

Homework: What were the circumstances in which you were most dangerously alive? FreeWillAstrology.com.

Go to RealAstrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES. The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.

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UPCOMING COMMUNITY EVENTS

  1. Rev. Karen’s Mid-Month Devotional Retreat: Happy Independence Day!

    July 21 @ 11:00 am - 2:00 pm
  2. Eddie Griffin Headlines Oxnard Levity Live

    July 26 @ 12:00 am - July 27 @ 12:00 am
  3. KICKBACK AT THE PACC

    July 26 @ 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
  4. Chef Tour at the Camarillo Farmers Market

    July 27 @ 10:00 am - 12:00 pm
  5. 26th Annual Oxnard Salsa Festival

    July 27 @ 11:00 am - July 28 @ 7:00 pm
  6. Kessler-Haak pouring @ A Taste of Camarillo

    July 28 @ 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm
  7. Steve Byrne Headlines Oxnard Levity Live

    August 1 @ 8:00 pm - August 3 @ 9:30 pm
  8. Opening Reception for Light and Space Through Time, The Art of Karrie Ross

    August 3 @ 4:00 pm - 6:00 pm
  9. SIGHT + SOUND: ​a cinematic experience for the senses

    August 16 @ 6:00 pm - August 18 @ 12:00 pm
  10. Engage & Enlighten event features United Nations Special Rapporteur David Kaye

    August 26 @ 5:30 pm - 7:30 pm

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