I’ve invented new cocktails for a “Dump the Chump” fundraiser.

President Donald Trump’s health plan will result in the deaths of thousands of Americans with pre-existing conditions. The New England Journal of Medicine put the number at 44,000 a year. They will be unable to pay the staggering premium increases. Medicare will be slashed.

So the first drink is based on the “Corpse Reviver” cocktail.It is called the “Comey” after former FBI Director James Comey. Fatally, he refused to pledge allegiance to Trump and investigated his ties to Russia instead. Take 1 ounce of vodka; 1 ounce of orange liqueur, 1 ounce of lemon juice and 0.5 ounce white vermouth. We cannot use Trump Vodka as it was ludicrously overpriced and went straight into bankruptcy. Use Russian vodka instead. Russia is involved in everything concerning Trump.

Many people wish we had a real president who scares the Russians the way JFK did. My next cocktail, the “JFK,” is accordingly based on JFK’s favorite tipple, the “Papa Doble” (created for “Papa” Ernest Hemingway). Take 2 ounces white rum, 0.75 ounce lime juice, 0.75 ounce grapefruit juice and 0.5 ounce maraschino liqueur. Drink plenty of them to dull the pain from comparing Trump with JFK.

But we must give Trump credit where it is due. He excels at ginning up lies. Hence, my next creation is based on gin and is called the “Whopper.” Start with 2 ounces of juice from blood oranges. Really squeeze out those last drops. Imagine you are grinding those contractors who built Trump’s now-bankrupt casinos. They never got paid. Thousands of them sued him, but he ground them down legally with his ill-gotten gains. He even trotted out his whoppers on record, under oath, in depositions.

Or imagine you are stiffing your investors out of billions of dollars in bankruptcy court but keeping your personal airliner. This fooled millions of yokels into believing that Trump was a successful businessman. Mix 1.5 ounces of gin, 1 ounce of orange liqueur, 0.5 ounce of lime juice and cranberry juice as desired. Add orange bitters if the oranges were too sweet. All Republican preparations leave a bitter taste.

Finally, add a trickle of grenadine syrup. It will fool the yokels into thinking that something sweet trickled down from Reaganomics after 35 years of getting gypped. Garnish with a whopping slice of orange, to match Trump’s fake orange tan.

For an aperitif, my “Big Wall” is based on the well-known “Bloody Mary.” It uses tequila because Mexicans need the money to pay for Trump’s “big, beautiful” wall. Take 4.5 ounces tequila, 9 ounces tomato juice, 1.5 ounces lemon juice and add Worcestershire and Tabasco sauces. This drink is free! Tell the barman that Mexico will pay for it. Put in lots of Tabasco to stop yourself roaring with laughter.

All these drinks are shaken, not stirred, for that extra manliness. Use only half the usual amount of ice. Satellite photos show the ice cap at the North Pole is half gone.

Of course, real men like Trump do not fall for that global warming nonsense from misery-guts Al Gore. Ignore reports that the U.S. Navy is planning for an ice-free Arctic Ocean, and the Chinese also, to shorten the voyage to Rotterdam. This is fake news from the liberal media. Fox News has nothing about life on earth being imperiled when the Arctic ice vanishes. Real men do not worry about it.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel worries about it. She has a brain. She, not Trump, is now considered the Leader of the Free World. He is the Laughingstock of the Entire World. That is why Little Donny was all frowns and scowls when she visited the White House. Putin loathes her. To please him, Trump refused to shake hands.

But when the Russkies’ top spies, erm, sorry, top diplomats, showed up at the Oval Office, Trumpski was all smiles. He obligingly gave them top-secret information despite explicit assurances to the Israelis that it would remain confidential. Incredibly, only Russia’s media were present at that meeting! Go figure.

It is simple. Follow the money. Trump was, by his own admission, flat broke before launching The Apprentice “reality” show. Trump’s older sons both let slip that Daddy got his money from Russia. American lenders would not touch him with a 50-foot pole. That is why Trumpski will never release his tax returns. His connections to Russia’s thugs would become obvious.

Napoleon Bonaparte said, “Stupidity is not a handicap in politics.” In Republican politics it is clearly an asset. Trump proves it every day, secure in the knowledge that Republicans will never dump the chump. Too bad the rest of us are shaken, and scared, and need stiff drinks to get through the day.