Purely as a silly question, what exactly do conservatives “conserve”?

Conservatives deny the obvious facts that the Arctic ice is shrinking, that the sea level is rising, and that Miami floods constantly, all due to global warming. But if they can make a quick buck by killing the planet, why worry?

Are conservatives fiscally prudent, then? Certainly not: A staggering 70 percent of all National Debt incurred since 1836 had been run up by Presidents Ronald Reagan and the two Bushes (George H.W and George) when President Barack Obama took office. Conservatives stuck him with the 2008 Crash, tax cuts and two wars, then screamed that he was responsible for the debt that their own policies produced. Under President Donald Trump, conservatives have added over $1 trillion to the debt. Their recent tax cuts for the wealthy will add another $1.5 trillion. But since “Reagan proved that deficits don’t matter” (VP Dick Cheney), why worry?

Do conservatives conserve “family values,” then? Trump believes that marriage is a sacred institution amongan adulterer, his third wife and his porn stars. Pro-life Rep. Tim Murphy, R-Penn., resigned in disgrace after pressuring his mistress to have an abortion following their adulterous affair. And instead of practicing Christian charity, Kim Davis refused to grant marriage licenses to gays because she believed in the “sanctity of marriage.” Yet she has been married four times and two of her children were conceived adulterously. Conservatives wink at such immorality. Since all conservatives are hypocrites, though, why worry?

Conservatives revere the Founding Fathers, so do they conserve “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” then? The Second Amendment allowed states to raise “well-regulated” militias before America could afford an army (Hamilton, Federalist Paper 29). Clearly, it is obsolete, affecting gun sales. No problem: Justice Antonin Scalia led the Supreme Court in ruling that anyone could own weapons of mass murder. The Founders intended the court to have limited powers (Hamilton, Federalist 78). Regardless, it assumed powers to rewrite the Constitution and overrule legislation. FDR tried to rein it in, but lost. Today, it is dominated by right-wing extremists ruling against ordinary Americans in favor of corporate interests. To conserve corporate profits, conservatives gaily trash the Constitution, your rights and innocent lives.

We can thank teenagers, the Marjory Stoneman Douglas shooting survivors, for finally making conservatives worry.

Do conservatives conserve peace, then? Atheist Saddam Hussein loathed Muslim fanatic Osama bin Laden. He kept radical Islam in check. He held Iraq together. Mothers took children to school safely. Conservative warhawks ended all this. In a debate, Jeb Bush said that the Iraq war was a good idea. A teenager shut him up: “Your brother created ISIS.” Conservatives knew that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. Secretary of State Colin Powell later admitted that the WMD scare was manufactured purely to sell the war. President Bush Junior admitted that al-Qaida was not linked to Iraq, nor Iraq to 9/11. His failed war in mostly Shiite Iraq benefited the Shiite Iranians, leading to the rise of ISIS.  

And as even the uber-conservative Alan Greenspan admitted, “The Iraq war is largely about oil.” Sadly, the Chinese, who now get Iraq’s oil, are wetting themselves laughing. Bush’s colonial wars are steadily adding ANOTHER $5.6 trillion to national debt, for China’s economic benefit, not ours.

Do conservatives save lives in America, then? Obamacare was originated by the conservative Heritage Foundation. Conservative former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney enacted a plan similar to Obamacare. Regardless, conservatives did everything possible to obstruct Obamacare. Germany’s popular Der Spiegel condemned America’s “absurd level of hatred” and blamed conservatives.

Candidate Trump promised that Republicans would deliver “better benefits at a tiny fraction of the cost.” But the GOP’s proposed legislation would have done the exact opposite. Dirt-poor yokels in Red states were furious at being sacrificed to benefit wealthy conservatives. The loss of health insurance would have killed them. Mercifully, Trumpcare was killed instead. But the conservatives’ 2017 tax law will crimp Obamacare and almost certainly kill thousands. Conservatives squandered the opportunity to act responsibly and improve their own idea.

Conservative politicians profess to be guided morally. But they consistently attack the poor and reward the rich. They defend this absurdly, saying that “freedom” is part of “God’s plan.” Reality check: Pope Francis has seen poverty close-up. He declared: “The rich must help, respect and promote the poor.” He chastises selfish conservatives’ worship of money (Matthew 19:24). Christ preached that the rich should sell everything and give the money to the poor (Mark 10: 21).

Conservatives reek of hypocrisy, as do their “pastors” in splendid mansions and private jets. “The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy, that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness” (J.K. Galbraith). If you can find anything these “conservatives” actually conserve, please let me know.