Author: Amy Alkon

To leech according to her needs

I\’m a 25-year-old guy making OK money but going broke thanks to my 21-year-old live-in girlfriend. She\’s chronically unemployed and aspires to be a \”housewife.\” She does stuff like spending her share of our overdue electric bill at the mall. When our power got turned off, she stayed at her grandmother\’s while I was stuck in the summer heat without AC. Last week, I gave her $75 for groceries and she spent it on a laptop I\’ll have to make payments on. When I told her to look for a job, she lied that she was pregnant. She says her actions shouldn\’t bother me if I love her. I do, but less and less every day. Her grandmother might take her in if I make her move out, but we both know she doesn\’t want her around. What should I do?  — AbuSed A lot of guys have pet names for their girlfriends — stuff like \”Cupcake,\” \”Pumpkin\” and \”My Kitten.\” What do you call yours, \”Barnacle,\” \”Tapeworm\” or \”My Flesh-Eating Bacteria\”? And what\’s her pet name for you, \”ATM\”? Now, you aren\’t dumb. If somebody asks you that TV commercial question, \”What\’s in your wallet?\” you know the answer is \”her hand.\” Unfortunately, it seems you\’ve not only bought into that sappyism, \”love is the answer;\” you\’ve taken it a step further to \”love is the excuse.\” That...

Read More

Who wears the panties in the family?

My husband of five months is a wonderful man, but he does something kind of different I wanted your advice on: He sometimes likes to wear my panties. He swears he\’s not gay; he just says they feel really good on his skin and wearing them makes him feel closer to me. It\’s OK with me; I just find it a little odd and hope he\’s never in an accident and has to explain why he\’s wearing panties. Is this just a phase? Am I crazy for being OK with it? — Wondering Wife There\’s a United States senator who can\’t speak publicly unless he\’s wearing pantyhose. He was a patient of Dr. William Stayton, a psychologist and leading expert on cross-dressing. \”Underneath his blue suit and tie he wore pantyhose and a bra and women\’s underwear,\” Stayton told me in a recent interview. \”He was always worried somebody would lift his pant leg and see his pantyhose. But it was the only way he could calmly speak before the Senate.\” So one man\’s Prozac is another man\’s pantyhose. So what? My boyfriend compared the senator\’s cross-dressing to his own penchant for hats. \”When I wear my Henschel High Roller, I have a totally different outlook. You swagger a bit; you just know you\’re cool. I take the hat off and I\’m just another guy.\” Nobody worries about a...

Read More

With this ka-ching! I thee wed

My fiancee and I want the American Dream: to be married, have a family and own a home. I’m still a student and she has some debt, so the home-owning part of the dream is beyond us right now. My suggestion: Instead of registering for wedding presents, we could ask our guests to contribute to the down payment on a house. My fiancee thinks this is tacky and rude — although she has no problem with signing up to get crystal and china. What do you think? — Undercapitalized I think it’s like going to a bar and informing the person next to you, “Hey, in case you want to buy me a drink, I should let you know up front, I’d really rather have the cash.” Is this a celebration of love you’re planning, or Live Aid for the overspent middle class? If it’s the latter, don’t hold back. Make the receiving line double as a giving line by sticking an ATM at the beginning. Let no moment go unmerchandised: “For $80, you’ll get a DVD of our wedding night. For an extra $180, we’ll even throw in the bedroom scenes!” Don’t forget to offer your guests the option of a monthly direct-debit from their bank accounts, which may usher them up the tiers of giving; turning, say, gold-level friends into platinum ones. You claim you’re after the...

Read More

Look who’s knocking

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months, and we’ve been living together in his house for six. We have a reasonably happy, healthy relationship, except that he won’t give me a key to the house. He has “trust issues” and blames them on unrelated things from the past. I want to move forward, but this key thing is always in the back of my mind. Am I asking for too much too fast? Or is he being an inconsiderate jerk? — Locked Out What do you do, sit on the porch like a dog and wait for Master to come home? Maybe you should also bark at passing schoolchildren, try to bite the mailman and, when nature calls … well, there’s always the neighbors’ rose bushes! Now, it’s possible that your boyfriend actually has something to hide. Next time he’s in the shower, peek into the basement. Is there, perhaps, a padlocked freezer down there with a pile of worn shoes next to it? If you’re reasonably certain the guy’s no serial killer (at best, serially average), what could he possibly be protecting? The sad thing is, probably nothing much. More than likely, his most valuable possessions include what remains of the family stainless steel, the collected works of KISS and maybe several cases of limited-release Cheetos. At least you won’t be one of those smug couples announcing...

Read More

Dead man squawking

My girlfriend’s best friend e-mailed me, asking if I weren’t with my girlfriend, would I consider dating her? I would, and told her so. Later, on the phone, I read the e-mail exchange to my girlfriend. She hung up on me and now won’t answer my calls. Her friend won’t pick up, either. My girlfriend means the world to me, and I told her the truth out of love and got dumped. What was I supposed to do? — Honest To A Fault Of all the ways you could let your girlfriend know how into her you are, “I think your best friend’s hot, and if you weren’t in the picture, I’d make moves on her” is right up there with “No, I’m not saying your butt looks fat. I’m saying it shouldn’t be long before some drunken astronomer takes credit for discovering it and tries to name one cheek after his mother-in-law and the other after his dog.” Sometimes, telling the unvarnished truth is not an indicator you love somebody; it’s an indicator you forgot to connect your brain wires before speaking. Apparently, yours have been disconnected for quite some time — certainly from the moment you responded to your girlfriend’s so-called friend with something other than “Could I find you attractive? Perhaps — if I develop a thing for women who go around snaking their best friends.”...

Read More






You must be registered and logged in to post your events.


  1. Alan Saldana Headlines Levity Live

    August 23 @ 7:00 pm - August 25 @ 8:30 pm
  2. Help & Hope for Early Stage Alzheimer’s/Dementia

    August 24 @ 8:00 am - 5:00 pm
  3. The Speakeasy Project: American Roadhouse

    August 24 @ 8:00 pm - 10:00 pm
  4. The Speakeasy Project: American Roadhouse

    August 25 @ 5:00 pm - 7:00 pm
  5. Morning Stretch to Classic Rock

    August 26 @ 8:00 am - 8:45 am
  6. First 5 Neighborhoods for Learning, Powered by Interface Open House in Ventura

    August 26 @ 9:00 am - 3:00 pm
  7. First 5 Neighborhoods for Learning, Powered by Interface Open House

    August 26 @ 9:00 am - 3:00 pm
  8. Engage & Enlighten event features United Nations Special Rapporteur David Kaye

    August 26 @ 5:30 pm - 7:30 pm
  9. Dancer’s Body Barre

    August 26 @ 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm
  10. Egyptian Belly Dancing

    August 26 @ 8:00 pm - 9:00 pm